Below is my journal entry from this morning, I thought that I'd share my first thoughts about welcoming our daughter:
Our Anna Patricia was born yesterday. What a Beauty for sure. We are grateful to have a baby in our arms, in our room, on Kathryn's breast. God has been so kind. This is how it is supposed to be. Not that we deserve this, but that this is about as un-broken as child birth can be in this world, in this life.
She was born at 5:13 pm on Saturday, June 25, 2011 - 8 lbs. 15 oz., 21" long. Kathryn elected to have an epidural for the first time. That made for a totally different experience than our previous three births, especially in comparison to Samuel's, in which the normal pain experienced by an unmedicated mom was accompanied by the stresses and uncertainties of his known (yet unknown) heart defects. Anna's birth was remarkably calm for the last hour-and-a-half. We were able to hold her right away, and there were a few emotional moments for me when Kathryn first held her daughter - a healthy child who was not whisked away. Because of everything going on in the moments immediately after a child birth and because of all the people in the room, I wasn't able to remain in those moments for long. Just the same, they were moving. As I reflect on them now I am reminded again of the wisdom and truth of Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." If a tree of life can be an emotion, that's what I was feeling. Seeing Kathryn hold Beauty was watching a longing fulfilled. We have been through - and are still navigating - the lands of hope deferral with the loss of Samuel and our subsequent grief. But as far as I can see, trees of life are the best salve for the ache of disappointed dreams.
I don't want to overstate this. A healthy Anna is not the same as a healthy Samuel. She does not replace him. She can't. We don't want her to. Our specific hope of August 2009 - that God would heal Samuel - will not be realized in this life. But, our broader hope for a growing family, for more children, has come to fruition in the birth of Anna Patricia.
Thank you, God, for your kindness expressed both in comfort and healing, and in life, health, and birth.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
She's Here!!!
Introducing the world's cutest Beauty:
8 lbs, 15 oz.
21 inches long
We're all doing great. Anna has fabulously strong lungs which she's been showing off all evening. Praise God! We are thanking the Lord for this incredible miracle and blessing. Thank you, Jesus, for our sweet Anna.
More to come later...
Anna Patricia Apinis
Born on June 25, 2011 at 5:13pm8 lbs, 15 oz.
21 inches long
We're all doing great. Anna has fabulously strong lungs which she's been showing off all evening. Praise God! We are thanking the Lord for this incredible miracle and blessing. Thank you, Jesus, for our sweet Anna.
More to come later...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Latest on Beauty
As of Thursday I will be 39 weeks pregnant. (My due date is next Thursday, June 23.) As of yesterday, I am 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. My fluid levels have been utterly normal for the last 4 weeks, so everything seems to be hunky dory. I was really hoping Beauty would have made her appearance by now, but that's obviously not been the case. At this point, I suspect she won't be showing up until next week sometime. Now that I've adjusted my expectations, it's easier to live each day as it comes instead of in the constant hope and question of "will this be the day?" It gets really old really fast spending your days waiting for something to happen. So, for the rest of the week my plan (goal?) is to just live the day we get and soak up another day with just the boys. Each day is a gift, and I hope to make the most of them.
This morning the boys and I surprised Bryan at work by joining his team for a little celebratory breakfast in honor of coming Beauty. I loved being prayed for and having Beauty prayed for, and I felt very blessed by the team's thoughtfulness. The boys loved our breakfast treat of Dutch Monkey Donuts and BB's Bagels. Yum! When we got home, we did a LEGO set (something the boys love), and then we watched the classic Disney Robin Hood while eating lunch. Caleb prayed at lunch time, "Thank you for special, special sweet best Momma in the world and for her letting us watch Robin Hood." I am glad I get these special days with my precious boys.
Beauty-girl, we can't wait to meet you! Come whenever you're ready. We will do our best to wait patiently for you. :)
This morning the boys and I surprised Bryan at work by joining his team for a little celebratory breakfast in honor of coming Beauty. I loved being prayed for and having Beauty prayed for, and I felt very blessed by the team's thoughtfulness. The boys loved our breakfast treat of Dutch Monkey Donuts and BB's Bagels. Yum! When we got home, we did a LEGO set (something the boys love), and then we watched the classic Disney Robin Hood while eating lunch. Caleb prayed at lunch time, "Thank you for special, special sweet best Momma in the world and for her letting us watch Robin Hood." I am glad I get these special days with my precious boys.
Beauty-girl, we can't wait to meet you! Come whenever you're ready. We will do our best to wait patiently for you. :)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Caleb's Concerns
Yesterday I spent a little time with Caleb in Beauty's rocking chair. I have noticed that when I ask him about Beauty coming and how he's feeling, he usually responds with some degree of hesitation, reluctance, or even negativity. About a week ago he said he would be sad when she comes, and when I ask if he's ready for her arrival, he always says no. So I scooped him up yesterday and sat down to try to understand what he's thinking and feeling.
At first he couldn't articulate his feelings at all. He would say, "I don't really know how I'm feeling. I don't understand it." Once I started asking better questions, he was more able to explain his concerns. I asked him, "Are you worried about Beauty coming?" He nodded his head vigorously. When I asked, "what are you worried about?" his answer revealed the root of his reservations. He said, "I am worried that the same thing that happened to Samuel will happen to Beauty." I hugged him close and told him I understood that worry, but I reassured him that all the doctors think Beauty is healthy. I reminded him that we knew Samuel wasn't healthy before he was born; we knew about his heart. And the doctors have looked at Beauty's heart and say it is healthy. I revisited the conversation we had back in December about how God has faithfully been healing our hearts from our sorrow over Samuel and asked if he thought God would do that again if Beauty isn't healthy. He readily agreed that God would heal us. I asked if he thought we'd still be able to smile and laugh and have joy. He nodded his head but said seriously, "But not at first." I asked him if he remembered when Samuel died and how he felt and what it was like, and he said he remembers it well. I could see the fear on his face.
So we cuddled more, I tried to reassure him that all the doctors think Beauty is healthy, and I told him that we can trust God to take care of us no matter what. And then I suggested we pray about it together. He was happy to do so. We asked God to help us trust Him, to grant us a healthy baby girl, and to give Caleb peace. We acknowledged that Beauty is in His hands, and we can trust Him with her. We prayed that Caleb wouldn't be afraid but would know that God is always with him, always understands what he's feeling, and always loves him. And we thanked God that we can talk to Him about anything, anytime.
Caleb seemed more himself when we finished praying and he climbed off my lap, but what showed me the conversation had been helpful was Caleb's prayer at the dinner table. He prayed, "Dear God, Please help Beauty to be healthy. And please let her come soon -- even tonight -- if that is Your plan." He has never asked that Beauty come soon -- especially not as soon as that very day, and I've never heard him use the phrase "Your plan" before. It's not a phrase I use when I pray with the boys or when I talk to them about God, so I'm not sure where He came up with it, but I love his attitude. I love his submission to God and his desire to trust God even when he's afraid. He is a courageous kid in so many ways, which is something we pray for him everyday. Caleb means "faithful, courageous, and bold," and nightly we pray that Caleb would be faithful to God and others -- that he would acknowledge God's faithfulness and be faithful in return (as Caleb in the Bible was -- seeing God's goodness and faithfulness to the Israelites as they fled Egypt, he believed God would be faithful to help them conquer the "giants" who dwelled in the Promised Land), that God's faithfulness would make him courageous to follow Him and seek after Him, and that he would be bold to speak the truth and to love others and show others God's love. I am proud of the boy Caleb is and his sincere desire to follow and trust God.
I am praying for my boys' hearts as Beauty's arrival is in the next few weeks. I am praying that she is a healing balm for them, that when Bryan and I head to the hospital, and my mom comes to care for the boys, that the similitude to Samuel's arrival will not be on their minds, and that we will swiftly be back home, a Daddy, Mommy, oldest son, second son, and baby sister. Oh, Lord, hold my sons' hearts close. Grant them peace and a deep trust in You. And please give them the joy of growing up with a healthy baby sister. Amen.
At first he couldn't articulate his feelings at all. He would say, "I don't really know how I'm feeling. I don't understand it." Once I started asking better questions, he was more able to explain his concerns. I asked him, "Are you worried about Beauty coming?" He nodded his head vigorously. When I asked, "what are you worried about?" his answer revealed the root of his reservations. He said, "I am worried that the same thing that happened to Samuel will happen to Beauty." I hugged him close and told him I understood that worry, but I reassured him that all the doctors think Beauty is healthy. I reminded him that we knew Samuel wasn't healthy before he was born; we knew about his heart. And the doctors have looked at Beauty's heart and say it is healthy. I revisited the conversation we had back in December about how God has faithfully been healing our hearts from our sorrow over Samuel and asked if he thought God would do that again if Beauty isn't healthy. He readily agreed that God would heal us. I asked if he thought we'd still be able to smile and laugh and have joy. He nodded his head but said seriously, "But not at first." I asked him if he remembered when Samuel died and how he felt and what it was like, and he said he remembers it well. I could see the fear on his face.
So we cuddled more, I tried to reassure him that all the doctors think Beauty is healthy, and I told him that we can trust God to take care of us no matter what. And then I suggested we pray about it together. He was happy to do so. We asked God to help us trust Him, to grant us a healthy baby girl, and to give Caleb peace. We acknowledged that Beauty is in His hands, and we can trust Him with her. We prayed that Caleb wouldn't be afraid but would know that God is always with him, always understands what he's feeling, and always loves him. And we thanked God that we can talk to Him about anything, anytime.
Caleb seemed more himself when we finished praying and he climbed off my lap, but what showed me the conversation had been helpful was Caleb's prayer at the dinner table. He prayed, "Dear God, Please help Beauty to be healthy. And please let her come soon -- even tonight -- if that is Your plan." He has never asked that Beauty come soon -- especially not as soon as that very day, and I've never heard him use the phrase "Your plan" before. It's not a phrase I use when I pray with the boys or when I talk to them about God, so I'm not sure where He came up with it, but I love his attitude. I love his submission to God and his desire to trust God even when he's afraid. He is a courageous kid in so many ways, which is something we pray for him everyday. Caleb means "faithful, courageous, and bold," and nightly we pray that Caleb would be faithful to God and others -- that he would acknowledge God's faithfulness and be faithful in return (as Caleb in the Bible was -- seeing God's goodness and faithfulness to the Israelites as they fled Egypt, he believed God would be faithful to help them conquer the "giants" who dwelled in the Promised Land), that God's faithfulness would make him courageous to follow Him and seek after Him, and that he would be bold to speak the truth and to love others and show others God's love. I am proud of the boy Caleb is and his sincere desire to follow and trust God.
I am praying for my boys' hearts as Beauty's arrival is in the next few weeks. I am praying that she is a healing balm for them, that when Bryan and I head to the hospital, and my mom comes to care for the boys, that the similitude to Samuel's arrival will not be on their minds, and that we will swiftly be back home, a Daddy, Mommy, oldest son, second son, and baby sister. Oh, Lord, hold my sons' hearts close. Grant them peace and a deep trust in You. And please give them the joy of growing up with a healthy baby sister. Amen.
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| Me and Caleb at his school's Mother's Day brunch |
Friday, June 3, 2011
Celebrating Caleb's 6th Birthday
This week our precious Caleb turned six. We had three days of celebration. On Memorial Day the Thiels came over for a cookout lunch and water fun in the backyard, and on Tuesday, Caleb's birthday, we went to Barnes and Noble to read (at his request) and enjoyed opening his presents, eating red velvet cake, and just being together. Today we went on a birthday trip to the Georgia Aquarium with Caleb's fiancee, Lauren. I distinctly remember the phone conversation Caleb and I had when he first told me about Lauren. It was the first day of preschool, about a week after Samuel was born, and Bryan and I were at Egleston Children's Hospital. We called home from the CICU lobby to see how Caleb's first day went, and he immediately told me that someone asked him to marry her. When I asked him what her name was, he said, "I don't know. I didn't ask." Then I asked, "Well, what did you say?" and he replied, "I said 'Yes!' She was soooo beautiful!" And my loyal Caleb has been devoted to Lauren ever since -- nearly two years -- despite them rarely seeing each other. This year we gave Caleb a few options for his birthday, and without hesitation he picked going to the aquarium with one friend, and he had no trouble naming that friend. So Lauren it was! We had a ball today exploring the whole aquarium and eating lunch at McDonald's, Caleb's choice, and playing on the McD's playground. We also overhead many a hilarious conversation between the engaged couple and witnessed 11 furtive cheek kisses. These two mean business. And funny enough, Lauren's parents, who work with Bryan at North Point Community Church, are named Brian and Katherine.
I cannot possibly express what an incredible joy and privilege it is to be Caleb's mom. There is something about Caleb that I have never seen in another kid -- a gentleness, kindness, selflessness, and purity that amazes me. (It kind of reminds me of Beth from Little Women or Betsy from The Hiding Place.) He has been practically angelic from the time his personality first began to emerge, and he has grown into such an exceptional kid. He loves to give to others and to figure out ways to make other people happy. Just after opening a birthday present that included some stickers, he took out a sheet and handed them to Joel with complete joy. I see how much it blesses him to serve and give to others. A few weeks ago his soccer coach was talking the team through which goal to guard and which to score on. Caleb responded, "I think we should let the other team win." He would prefer to make someone else happy rather than pursue his own pleasure. As we've prayed for countries in turmoil the last few months, he has asked to give some of his money to buy Bibles for the people in Libya, that they might know about God. And he has said when he grows up he wants to travel to "countries where people don't know much about Jesus and teach the leaders there about God and Jesus so that they can lead their countries better and help the people there learn about God." What six year old (or adult!) thinks about such things? Tonight at bedtime he prayed, "Dear God, Thank You for this day and this world You made and for Momma, Dadda, and Joel. Help me to think about You more and love You more and think of others first. Help me to trust You and to love my family and friends even more." I am dumbfounded by the profound depth of asking God to help us think about Him more. I have never thought to pray for that, and it's a wise, wise request. Caleb's sincerity and earnestness and deep love for others often show me my own shortcomings and selfishness and pride. I admire so much about my first born son, and it is beyond a joy to love him every day and spend my energies investing in his soul and life. Caleb, you are a treasure beyond words, and we are CRAZY about you!!! Happy 6th Birthday, my sweet, sweet son.
On another note, I am now officially full-term as I passed the 37 week mark yesterday. Samuel was born at 36 weeks, 4 days, so we're already passed his arrival point. My fluid is holding steady at a completely normal level, and everything continues to look great. I think I am officially at the "I'm ready when she's ready" point. The most important part to me is that she be ready, of course. Beauty-girl, I can't wait to meet you. Come soon, littlest love! And Lord, grant me patience if we still have three weeks of pregnancy ahead. :)
I cannot possibly express what an incredible joy and privilege it is to be Caleb's mom. There is something about Caleb that I have never seen in another kid -- a gentleness, kindness, selflessness, and purity that amazes me. (It kind of reminds me of Beth from Little Women or Betsy from The Hiding Place.) He has been practically angelic from the time his personality first began to emerge, and he has grown into such an exceptional kid. He loves to give to others and to figure out ways to make other people happy. Just after opening a birthday present that included some stickers, he took out a sheet and handed them to Joel with complete joy. I see how much it blesses him to serve and give to others. A few weeks ago his soccer coach was talking the team through which goal to guard and which to score on. Caleb responded, "I think we should let the other team win." He would prefer to make someone else happy rather than pursue his own pleasure. As we've prayed for countries in turmoil the last few months, he has asked to give some of his money to buy Bibles for the people in Libya, that they might know about God. And he has said when he grows up he wants to travel to "countries where people don't know much about Jesus and teach the leaders there about God and Jesus so that they can lead their countries better and help the people there learn about God." What six year old (or adult!) thinks about such things? Tonight at bedtime he prayed, "Dear God, Thank You for this day and this world You made and for Momma, Dadda, and Joel. Help me to think about You more and love You more and think of others first. Help me to trust You and to love my family and friends even more." I am dumbfounded by the profound depth of asking God to help us think about Him more. I have never thought to pray for that, and it's a wise, wise request. Caleb's sincerity and earnestness and deep love for others often show me my own shortcomings and selfishness and pride. I admire so much about my first born son, and it is beyond a joy to love him every day and spend my energies investing in his soul and life. Caleb, you are a treasure beyond words, and we are CRAZY about you!!! Happy 6th Birthday, my sweet, sweet son.
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| Caleb requested Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin/Darth Vader fighting on the lava planet, Mustafar. Bryan says this is not his best work, but only one thing can be, and it's far, far better than anything I could create! |
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| The Thiels (minus Emily who is in Texas for the summer) ready to celebrate Caleb -- and sporting red in his honor |
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| The family |
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| Me and my biggest boy |
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| At the GA Aquarium |
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| Caleb and Lauren so happy to be together |
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| The whole gang at the aquarium -- A friend of mine said we'll have a similar picture on their wedding day. :) |
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| Holding hands |
Friday, May 27, 2011
36 weeks and Some Ultrasound Pictures
As of yesterday I am 36 weeks pregnant. My fluid levels have been completely normal the last two weeks, and I'm hopeful they will stay that way. Beauty is nearly here, and I am getting so, so excited to meet her. I can hardly wait until she's ready to make her entrance into the world. Because my fluid is down, I am no longer expecting her to come in the next week, but I realize birth is unpredictable, and who knows what will happen. I could make it all the way to June 23, my due date. I suspect if I do, I will be pretty anxious for her arrival. This belly of mine is large, and the recent ultrasounds predict she already weighs over 7 pounds. I am not keen on a 9+ pound baby, but that's the least of my concerns!
Previously I mentioned a collage my friends, Tracy and Jennifer, made for me. Since I can't have a picture of all my children together, they came up with this frame. I love it!
And possibly my final belly picture of this pregnancy, here I am at 36 weeks. I am down to about 4 shirts that cover my belly, and now I get regular comments from strangers about how I must be due any minute. They never seem to believe me when I tell them that I have four more weeks to go. But I am so much smaller now than I was with Samuel, so I can't complain.
And just because I'm crazy about them, here are a couple of pictures of my precious boys taken with my new camera. I am immensely relieved to have a working camera since we will soon have a baby to photograph! :)
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| Beauty at 31 weeks |
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| Beauty at 32 weeks. In this one, I think she looks a lot like an ultrasound picture of Samuel -- the one on the bulletin board of my perinatologists' office |
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| This is Samuel at 31 weeks -- and the one I think looks like Beauty above. |
And possibly my final belly picture of this pregnancy, here I am at 36 weeks. I am down to about 4 shirts that cover my belly, and now I get regular comments from strangers about how I must be due any minute. They never seem to believe me when I tell them that I have four more weeks to go. But I am so much smaller now than I was with Samuel, so I can't complain.
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| 36 weeks pregnant |
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| My goof. Joel is a continual hoot and the source of much laughter in this house. |
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| I love Caleb's brown eyes and dark, long lashes. Truly, he is the world's kindest, most generous kid. |
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Caleb's Grief in Light of Beauty
It has been a true privilege to walk with our boys through their grief and to listen to their thoughts, questions, and hopes. Samuel still comes up regularly in their conversation. Just a few days ago while Bryan and I were on one of our regular walks, I paused our conversation to listen to what Caleb and Joel were saying in the wagon behind us. Caleb was trying to give a relative term of size to each of our children. He said, "I'm big, you're medium, Samuel is small, and Beauty is little." When Joel asked how Mommy and Daddy factored in, Caleb adjusted his scale: "Daddy is big, Mommy is medium, I'm small, you're little, Samuel is littler, and Beauty is...." He fumbled for a more diminutive title for his unborn baby sister. I love that Samuel was part of their equation.
I see Caleb's grief and his experience with death play out in his thoughts about Beauty. Back in December before we had had any scans of Beauty and knew anything about her heart, I was tucking Caleb in one night, and he prayed, "Dear God, please help Mommy not to be worried about the baby in her tummy." When he finished praying, I asked him if he thought I was worried, and he nodded yes. When I asked, "What about?", he replied, "that the baby won't be healthy." It broke my heart that these things were even on his mind: that he was worried about an unhealthy baby and that he was concerned about me being worried. We talked for some time that night about how we didn't know if the baby would be healthy, but we do know that we can trust God to take care of us either way. I told him that God is big enough to heal our hearts even if we have another unhealthy baby; He can help us smile again and laugh and have joy. I asked him if Daddy and I smile now and have fun and laugh with him and Joel, and he answered yes unhesitatingly. I told him that God had done that in us and was healing our sad hearts and giving us joy even in the midst of sorrow, and He could do that again. And I told him that we certainly hope for a healthy baby. Either way, we can trust our good God to be with us.
Not long after that I found out that Caleb sometimes shut himself in Samuel's room. One day when I asked why the curtains in Samuel's room were closed, Caleb told me he would go in there to "remember Samuel." He would close the curtains to make the room dark, shut the door, and turn on the night light. Sometimes I would hear him playing the lullaby music in the crib. It was entirely his own idea to go there and remember, and in some way I felt so proud of him for choosing to grieve.
I was concerned about how he would feel when we changed Samuel's room into Beauty's room, and it was a bit sad for him. I warned him the last day it was still Samuel/Beauty's room that I was going to take down the decorations, and Bryan was going to paint it, and we weren't going to put it back the same way. Later that day I found him in there alone, just standing and looking. When I asked what he was thinking, he said, "I just wanted to come in here one more time to remember Samuel and to see it this way."
A couple of months ago at church, Caleb's kindergarten group was supposed to draw a picture of the people with whom they spend the most time. Here is what Caleb drew:
It is a picture of our family with Beauty in my belly, and Samuel in the clouds in Heaven. (From left to right it's Bryan, Joel, me with Beauty, a tree, and Samuel in the top right hand corner.) I LOVE that Caleb included Samuel in the picture. This family picture is truly special to me!
Just last night as I was tucking Caleb into bed, I told him how excited I'm getting about Beauty's arrival. He said, "I hope she gets to come home to our house." I reassured him that I think she will, that the doctors all think Beauty is healthy. His little face lit up, and he said, "We'll get to watch her grow up!" I love that he's excited about his baby sister, and it saddens my heart to think he fears her death. I am grateful for how grief has changed me and Bryan, for how it's grown us and deepened us, for how it's soldered our hearts to God, but it's harder to see that suffering in my children, though in truth I know the sorrow and hardships are life-giving for them as well. I know their loss grows them, and I want that growth for them, but sometimes it is hard to watch my children suffer.
I so, so look forward to this baby girl's arrival. (Yesterday I was 1 cm dilated --which is exactly where my OB would expect someone to be who is 35 1/2 weeks pregnant with her fourth.) And I can hardly wait to see my boys with their baby sister -- to see them hold her in their arms, to give her kisses, to help me out with all that she needs. I think it will be tremendously healing for their little hearts as it will be for mine. Oh, Lord, may it come to be!
I see Caleb's grief and his experience with death play out in his thoughts about Beauty. Back in December before we had had any scans of Beauty and knew anything about her heart, I was tucking Caleb in one night, and he prayed, "Dear God, please help Mommy not to be worried about the baby in her tummy." When he finished praying, I asked him if he thought I was worried, and he nodded yes. When I asked, "What about?", he replied, "that the baby won't be healthy." It broke my heart that these things were even on his mind: that he was worried about an unhealthy baby and that he was concerned about me being worried. We talked for some time that night about how we didn't know if the baby would be healthy, but we do know that we can trust God to take care of us either way. I told him that God is big enough to heal our hearts even if we have another unhealthy baby; He can help us smile again and laugh and have joy. I asked him if Daddy and I smile now and have fun and laugh with him and Joel, and he answered yes unhesitatingly. I told him that God had done that in us and was healing our sad hearts and giving us joy even in the midst of sorrow, and He could do that again. And I told him that we certainly hope for a healthy baby. Either way, we can trust our good God to be with us.
Not long after that I found out that Caleb sometimes shut himself in Samuel's room. One day when I asked why the curtains in Samuel's room were closed, Caleb told me he would go in there to "remember Samuel." He would close the curtains to make the room dark, shut the door, and turn on the night light. Sometimes I would hear him playing the lullaby music in the crib. It was entirely his own idea to go there and remember, and in some way I felt so proud of him for choosing to grieve.
I was concerned about how he would feel when we changed Samuel's room into Beauty's room, and it was a bit sad for him. I warned him the last day it was still Samuel/Beauty's room that I was going to take down the decorations, and Bryan was going to paint it, and we weren't going to put it back the same way. Later that day I found him in there alone, just standing and looking. When I asked what he was thinking, he said, "I just wanted to come in here one more time to remember Samuel and to see it this way."
A couple of months ago at church, Caleb's kindergarten group was supposed to draw a picture of the people with whom they spend the most time. Here is what Caleb drew:
It is a picture of our family with Beauty in my belly, and Samuel in the clouds in Heaven. (From left to right it's Bryan, Joel, me with Beauty, a tree, and Samuel in the top right hand corner.) I LOVE that Caleb included Samuel in the picture. This family picture is truly special to me!
Just last night as I was tucking Caleb into bed, I told him how excited I'm getting about Beauty's arrival. He said, "I hope she gets to come home to our house." I reassured him that I think she will, that the doctors all think Beauty is healthy. His little face lit up, and he said, "We'll get to watch her grow up!" I love that he's excited about his baby sister, and it saddens my heart to think he fears her death. I am grateful for how grief has changed me and Bryan, for how it's grown us and deepened us, for how it's soldered our hearts to God, but it's harder to see that suffering in my children, though in truth I know the sorrow and hardships are life-giving for them as well. I know their loss grows them, and I want that growth for them, but sometimes it is hard to watch my children suffer.
I so, so look forward to this baby girl's arrival. (Yesterday I was 1 cm dilated --which is exactly where my OB would expect someone to be who is 35 1/2 weeks pregnant with her fourth.) And I can hardly wait to see my boys with their baby sister -- to see them hold her in their arms, to give her kisses, to help me out with all that she needs. I think it will be tremendously healing for their little hearts as it will be for mine. Oh, Lord, may it come to be!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Mother's Day with Caleb, Joel, and Coming Beauty
Three-fourths of my clan on Mother's Day 2011.
Bryan took this with his iphone. I am sad that I will never have a picture of all of my children together, though my dear friends Tracy and Jennifer did make me the coolest frame with a picture of each of my four kids in it. Once I have a working camera, I will take a picture of the frame and post it. It is an extremely thoughtful gift, and of course I cried when they showed it to me. Bryan loved it so much, he immediately said he wants something like it for his office. I had a great Mother's Day with two of my three boys and with baby sister kicking me fiercely all the while!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
A New, Hopeful Perspective
In the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling a lot more peaceful about Beauty's quickly approaching labor and delivery. I don't doubt I have prayer warriors to thank for that. So, if that's you, thank you!
Yesterday Bryan and I were on our walk together, and I was telling him how I have a new perspective on Beauty's arrival. I had been trying to self-talk myself into being calmer and more peaceful and less afraid. I kept thinking about how people experience pain all the time, but very rarely is it pain with a tangible blessing at the end, with a very intentional purpose to produce the best possible gift in all of life. And sometimes people have dreadfully intense pain that lingers and lingers with little hope of something beautiful at the end. Car accidents and sickness happen all the time; people are abused and mistreated.
A good friend of ours had a cancer scare the last two weeks. Everything suggested cancer -- from age, to life habits, to the way the mass manifested itself, to the specific symptoms he exhibited. The doctors were confident it was cancer. And he would have had to endure chemo, surgery, and aggressive treatment all in the hope that eventually the pain and suffering would vanquish the cancer cells and grant him a long, healthy life yet to live. But there are no promises in that scenario, and the hope of health would be something to cling to in the bad days but not something they could hang their hats on. His road would have been suffering to fight against something, to try to defeat something malignant, attacking his body and health. Miraculously, God granted him a good report with no cancer, and a regimen of antibiotics to fight off an infection. But thinking about what he could have had to endure was challenging to me.
The pain I will endure during labor and Beauty's delivery is the pain of life and hope. It is pain designed to bring forth a child. Pain with a very specific purpose. Pain pregnant with hope. And I think previously I have felt frightened of this pain because I was frightened to hope. With Caleb and Joel, the moment those boys were in my arms, my memory of the pain vanished. Who cared what I had just been through? I had a beautiful, perfect, amazing baby in my arms. Within seconds of delivery, I had forgotten all about what I had suffered. My focus and attention were on the miracle in my arms, my son, begotten of my own body. If anyone asked how labor was, my immediate answer was, "No big deal. I'd do it again in a heartbeat." That's because I was holding the gift that my pain produced.
With Samuel's birth, everything was different. While in labor, I wondered what child was going to come from my womb. Would his heart be ok for the first few months of life like the doctors expected? Would he have Down Syndrome? Would he be ok when he was suffering from SVT during labor, his heart rate skyrocketing every few minutes? There was a good deal of fear mixed in with the pain, though hope was certainly present too. But once I delivered Samuel, and he was whisked away into the corner with no one telling me how he was, with Bryan pretty much out of commission from wooziness, with no one telling me if he looked like he had Downs, and the doctor going to work stitching up my tears, I didn't have the euphoria of holding my baby, washing away what I had just endured. Instead, I was shaking uncontrollably, my knees literally knocking each other and then falling two feet apart over and over again. I was far more aware of the pain of being stitched up than I had been with Caleb or Joel. I felt helpless, a little abandoned, and my arms felt incredibly empty. It wasn't the way a birth was supposed to be. Not at all. And then the hours that followed with no news from the NICU, the days with no answers, and the weeks with rapidly diminishing hope all culminated in a fear of hoping for anything in this life. I knew the joy of hoping in the eternal, of having a sure hope in Heaven and seeing Samuel again, but I think I robbed myself of hoping for the blessings in this life.
Bryan has repeatedly told me about his struggle to hope. After losing both of his parents to cancer by the time he was 21, he found it very hard to hope Samuel could live. I think I now understand his quandary. After Samuel's death, I longed for another baby, for a healthy child, but I was too afraid to actually hope for one. I prayed and beseeched God to grant me the desire of my heart, but my awareness of His ability to say "no" paralyzed my hope. I could hope for something "not-yet and sure" as Bryan talked about at Samuel's funeral, but I couldn't bring myself to hope for something in this finite, limited life.
I think this paralysis has probably been the root of my fears in delivering Beauty. I have been (and still am to some extent) afraid that this birth will result in another heartbreak. I am afraid of her being distressed in labor, of her not being in my arms after delivery, of her being in the NICU or whisked out of my arms moments after birth, of her lungs being inexplicably under-developed. I am afraid of reliving any or all of Samuel's life. Would we survive if it happened? Of course. Would God heal our hearts if another of our children goes to Heaven before us? Absolutely. Would we still find joy in this life and in our healthy boys? Undoubtedly. But I don't want to walk that road. I want to bring home a healthy, thriving Beauty. I want that to be the road God has for us, not more grief in an unhealthy child.
As I have thought about my fears and my reluctance to hope, I have come up with a new picture of Beauty's arrival. I am praying and hoping (!) that her birth will be a major part of our healing, that her arrival into this world will be redemptive. I am praying that we will look back on her birth as a beautiful, life-giving (both literally and figuratively) experience. That somehow we will see God's redemption in Beauty's life, that we will be able to identify God's healing hand in granting her to us, that her entrance into life will be part of healing our Samuel wounds. I think there is a good chance that delivering our daughter will be a truly miraculous (even more so than Caleb and Joel's birth because of having handed Samuel over to God) experience for us. Bryan and I both wonder if it will be incredibly and deeply emotional for us to hold our own daughter in our arms, breathing on her own, pink because her heart is pumping blood exactly as it should, crying because her lungs are strong and sure. And the picture of that, of a healthy baby cradled between us moments after pushing her out of womb, gives me a deep hope and eases my fears of what might be. I can hope for these things. I know they aren't promised, but I can hope for them. And I can trust God with my hopes. If He says "no" again, I can trust Him to be enough to carry us through whatever we must face. He IS enough. But I think hoping for Beauty to be whole and well is good and requires a genuine faith in my good God. And I am praying that when labor starts, my mind and heart go to this picture of hope, of excitement in meeting our first baby girl, and to the anticipation of joy in her arrival as opposed to all the worst case scenarios that involve delivering in the car or the waiting room of the hospital or worst of all, a sick baby girl. I am thankful for this new perspective on our daughter's birth.
On this second Mother's Day without Samuel, as I sit at Starbucks while the boys nap/rest at home, I am continually drawn to thoughts of my Samuel. This morning in church, we sang "Blessed Be Your Name," a song we sang at Samuel's funeral. It made me miss my baby. I wish I could spend Mother's Day with my three sons and one daughter on the way. What would life be like? I can see how much God has healed me since Mother's Day last year, and I am thankful for His faithfulness. This morning I spent a long time praying for the friends I've made since Samuel's death who have also had to hand children over to God. I am praying for their healing, comfort, and hope. And I have new compassion and sympathy for those who are struggling to conceive and find Mother's Day a painful reminder of what (whom) they don't have. I am praying that they too know God's presence and healing and that they have the courage to hope. For our God is enough, and we can rest in Him and trust Him.
Happy Mother's Day to the many amazing moms I know and most especially to my mom who is a light in this dark world and an example of integrity, courage, unconditional love, and servanthood. Mom, you are hands-down the best mom in the world, and I am so unbelievably fortunate to call you mine. Happy Mother's Day!
Yesterday Bryan and I were on our walk together, and I was telling him how I have a new perspective on Beauty's arrival. I had been trying to self-talk myself into being calmer and more peaceful and less afraid. I kept thinking about how people experience pain all the time, but very rarely is it pain with a tangible blessing at the end, with a very intentional purpose to produce the best possible gift in all of life. And sometimes people have dreadfully intense pain that lingers and lingers with little hope of something beautiful at the end. Car accidents and sickness happen all the time; people are abused and mistreated.
A good friend of ours had a cancer scare the last two weeks. Everything suggested cancer -- from age, to life habits, to the way the mass manifested itself, to the specific symptoms he exhibited. The doctors were confident it was cancer. And he would have had to endure chemo, surgery, and aggressive treatment all in the hope that eventually the pain and suffering would vanquish the cancer cells and grant him a long, healthy life yet to live. But there are no promises in that scenario, and the hope of health would be something to cling to in the bad days but not something they could hang their hats on. His road would have been suffering to fight against something, to try to defeat something malignant, attacking his body and health. Miraculously, God granted him a good report with no cancer, and a regimen of antibiotics to fight off an infection. But thinking about what he could have had to endure was challenging to me.
The pain I will endure during labor and Beauty's delivery is the pain of life and hope. It is pain designed to bring forth a child. Pain with a very specific purpose. Pain pregnant with hope. And I think previously I have felt frightened of this pain because I was frightened to hope. With Caleb and Joel, the moment those boys were in my arms, my memory of the pain vanished. Who cared what I had just been through? I had a beautiful, perfect, amazing baby in my arms. Within seconds of delivery, I had forgotten all about what I had suffered. My focus and attention were on the miracle in my arms, my son, begotten of my own body. If anyone asked how labor was, my immediate answer was, "No big deal. I'd do it again in a heartbeat." That's because I was holding the gift that my pain produced.
With Samuel's birth, everything was different. While in labor, I wondered what child was going to come from my womb. Would his heart be ok for the first few months of life like the doctors expected? Would he have Down Syndrome? Would he be ok when he was suffering from SVT during labor, his heart rate skyrocketing every few minutes? There was a good deal of fear mixed in with the pain, though hope was certainly present too. But once I delivered Samuel, and he was whisked away into the corner with no one telling me how he was, with Bryan pretty much out of commission from wooziness, with no one telling me if he looked like he had Downs, and the doctor going to work stitching up my tears, I didn't have the euphoria of holding my baby, washing away what I had just endured. Instead, I was shaking uncontrollably, my knees literally knocking each other and then falling two feet apart over and over again. I was far more aware of the pain of being stitched up than I had been with Caleb or Joel. I felt helpless, a little abandoned, and my arms felt incredibly empty. It wasn't the way a birth was supposed to be. Not at all. And then the hours that followed with no news from the NICU, the days with no answers, and the weeks with rapidly diminishing hope all culminated in a fear of hoping for anything in this life. I knew the joy of hoping in the eternal, of having a sure hope in Heaven and seeing Samuel again, but I think I robbed myself of hoping for the blessings in this life.
Bryan has repeatedly told me about his struggle to hope. After losing both of his parents to cancer by the time he was 21, he found it very hard to hope Samuel could live. I think I now understand his quandary. After Samuel's death, I longed for another baby, for a healthy child, but I was too afraid to actually hope for one. I prayed and beseeched God to grant me the desire of my heart, but my awareness of His ability to say "no" paralyzed my hope. I could hope for something "not-yet and sure" as Bryan talked about at Samuel's funeral, but I couldn't bring myself to hope for something in this finite, limited life.
I think this paralysis has probably been the root of my fears in delivering Beauty. I have been (and still am to some extent) afraid that this birth will result in another heartbreak. I am afraid of her being distressed in labor, of her not being in my arms after delivery, of her being in the NICU or whisked out of my arms moments after birth, of her lungs being inexplicably under-developed. I am afraid of reliving any or all of Samuel's life. Would we survive if it happened? Of course. Would God heal our hearts if another of our children goes to Heaven before us? Absolutely. Would we still find joy in this life and in our healthy boys? Undoubtedly. But I don't want to walk that road. I want to bring home a healthy, thriving Beauty. I want that to be the road God has for us, not more grief in an unhealthy child.
As I have thought about my fears and my reluctance to hope, I have come up with a new picture of Beauty's arrival. I am praying and hoping (!) that her birth will be a major part of our healing, that her arrival into this world will be redemptive. I am praying that we will look back on her birth as a beautiful, life-giving (both literally and figuratively) experience. That somehow we will see God's redemption in Beauty's life, that we will be able to identify God's healing hand in granting her to us, that her entrance into life will be part of healing our Samuel wounds. I think there is a good chance that delivering our daughter will be a truly miraculous (even more so than Caleb and Joel's birth because of having handed Samuel over to God) experience for us. Bryan and I both wonder if it will be incredibly and deeply emotional for us to hold our own daughter in our arms, breathing on her own, pink because her heart is pumping blood exactly as it should, crying because her lungs are strong and sure. And the picture of that, of a healthy baby cradled between us moments after pushing her out of womb, gives me a deep hope and eases my fears of what might be. I can hope for these things. I know they aren't promised, but I can hope for them. And I can trust God with my hopes. If He says "no" again, I can trust Him to be enough to carry us through whatever we must face. He IS enough. But I think hoping for Beauty to be whole and well is good and requires a genuine faith in my good God. And I am praying that when labor starts, my mind and heart go to this picture of hope, of excitement in meeting our first baby girl, and to the anticipation of joy in her arrival as opposed to all the worst case scenarios that involve delivering in the car or the waiting room of the hospital or worst of all, a sick baby girl. I am thankful for this new perspective on our daughter's birth.
On this second Mother's Day without Samuel, as I sit at Starbucks while the boys nap/rest at home, I am continually drawn to thoughts of my Samuel. This morning in church, we sang "Blessed Be Your Name," a song we sang at Samuel's funeral. It made me miss my baby. I wish I could spend Mother's Day with my three sons and one daughter on the way. What would life be like? I can see how much God has healed me since Mother's Day last year, and I am thankful for His faithfulness. This morning I spent a long time praying for the friends I've made since Samuel's death who have also had to hand children over to God. I am praying for their healing, comfort, and hope. And I have new compassion and sympathy for those who are struggling to conceive and find Mother's Day a painful reminder of what (whom) they don't have. I am praying that they too know God's presence and healing and that they have the courage to hope. For our God is enough, and we can rest in Him and trust Him.
Happy Mother's Day to the many amazing moms I know and most especially to my mom who is a light in this dark world and an example of integrity, courage, unconditional love, and servanthood. Mom, you are hands-down the best mom in the world, and I am so unbelievably fortunate to call you mine. Happy Mother's Day!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A Birthday and An Update
On Sunday, May 1, Joel turned four -- our little joy-bringer with his spunk, hilarity, overflowing affection, stubborn streak, contagious giggle, deep love of Star Wars, devotion to the color orange, and propensity to say the name of whomever he's talking to a dozen times before breathing or allowing them to respond. There is something about Joel that is simply irresistible. He worms his little way into your heart, and then even in the most disobedient or disrespectful of times, there is something in us that can't help smiling at Joel (though we're often trying to hide that smile). He makes us laugh in a way no one can, and he can win anyone over. He's gregarious, imaginative, fiesty, and sometimes a complete pill. And we are totally, unabashedly crazy about him. It's hard to believe he's four. Just yesterday the grocery check-out lady asked him how old he is, and out of habit he answered, "three and a half" until he remembered his birthday and practically shouted, "No! FOUR!" with a huge grin on his face. He is such a big boy and is becoming more and more grown-up and independent. What a tremendous blessing our Joel is!
We celebrated his birthday with a little backyard party: hot dogs, hamburgers, the kiddie pool, a slip-n-slide, and the sprinkler. It was Joel's request, and he loved every minute of it. The Thiels, who all dressed in orange in honor of the birthday boy, joined us as did our good friends, the Elliotts (or 3/4 of the Elliotts, anyway). The boys played hard and loved the slip-n-slide and chasing people with water blasters. Even some of the adults enjoyed the slip-n-slide, though I wisely avoided sliding down on my watermelon belly. :) And of course we had a cake (orange, Joel's selection) decorated by the venerable Bryan Apinis. Joel asked for the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo's ship in Star Wars. Here are some pictures of our grand time celebrating Joel:
As for Beauty, my 32 week appointments revealed that my fluid is back up to borderline polyhydramnios. Technically I am .6 within normal, but my levels are up quite a bit from last week. My belly measurement grew two weeks in six days, so that mirrors increased fluid levels. I suspect my amniotic fluid will simply be in flux, and that's ok. I am happy it's not continually increasing and getting ever higher. Probably I will continue to jump over and under the upper limit of what is considered "normal." If my camera wasn't malfunctioning (or broken?), I would post the most recent 3D ultrasound pictures, but alas.
We celebrated his birthday with a little backyard party: hot dogs, hamburgers, the kiddie pool, a slip-n-slide, and the sprinkler. It was Joel's request, and he loved every minute of it. The Thiels, who all dressed in orange in honor of the birthday boy, joined us as did our good friends, the Elliotts (or 3/4 of the Elliotts, anyway). The boys played hard and loved the slip-n-slide and chasing people with water blasters. Even some of the adults enjoyed the slip-n-slide, though I wisely avoided sliding down on my watermelon belly. :) And of course we had a cake (orange, Joel's selection) decorated by the venerable Bryan Apinis. Joel asked for the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo's ship in Star Wars. Here are some pictures of our grand time celebrating Joel:
As for Beauty, my 32 week appointments revealed that my fluid is back up to borderline polyhydramnios. Technically I am .6 within normal, but my levels are up quite a bit from last week. My belly measurement grew two weeks in six days, so that mirrors increased fluid levels. I suspect my amniotic fluid will simply be in flux, and that's ok. I am happy it's not continually increasing and getting ever higher. Probably I will continue to jump over and under the upper limit of what is considered "normal." If my camera wasn't malfunctioning (or broken?), I would post the most recent 3D ultrasound pictures, but alas.
32 weeks, 2 days pregnant
I am feel extraordinarily blessed these days with a birthday Joel, a growing Beauty, the world's kindest child, Caleb, my amazing husband, the gift of spring, and the hope of Heaven. And I am getting increasingly excited about meeting my fourth child. :)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Seeing Reminders of Samuel in the Spring
In this season of spring and new life, I find myself thinking of Samuel a lot. Not only do I have new life growing in me, but I also see it all around. And much of it is related to Samuel. Our gardenia plant that Bryan's work team gave us when Samuel was born has its first bloom of the year. The knock-out rose bush my wives' group gave us on Samuel's first birthday is in bloom, and the Japanese maple we call "The Samuel tree" is full of vibrant, red leaves. All three make me smile, and all three make me think of our sweet boy, alive, growing, and blooming in Heaven. I am thankful for the beautiful reminders of his life, for the friends who gave them to us, and for God's yearly gift of new life each spring. It's such a picture of hope, redemption, and the life to come. Thank you, Jesus, for spring and for Samuel!
And just for the fun of it, here are a couple of pictures of our family celebrating the UConn Huskies' NCAA basketball championship. Bryan's high school was on UConn's campus, and his whole extended family is die-hard Husky fans. The Thiels gave us all UConn shirts for Easter, and we happily (well, all except for Joel who was super-anxious to go on an Easter egg hunt) posed for a family picture.
And just for the fun of it, here are a couple of pictures of our family celebrating the UConn Huskies' NCAA basketball championship. Bryan's high school was on UConn's campus, and his whole extended family is die-hard Husky fans. The Thiels gave us all UConn shirts for Easter, and we happily (well, all except for Joel who was super-anxious to go on an Easter egg hunt) posed for a family picture.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Beauty's Approaching Arrival
I am now officially in the stage of pregnancy where I have two doctor's appointments a week. I have a sonogram every Friday, and an OB appointment every Monday. This past Friday I had my first sonogram in four weeks, and we got encouraging news. My amniotic fluid level was back in the normal range -- and well within normal at that. I had not expected my levels to go down and am relieved that, at least for now, everything is normal. When I asked why my fluid levels are down, they said there isn't really a good answer for that question; sometimes it happens, and fluid levels do fluctuate. So, it's entirely possible (even likely?) that they will go back up. They estimate Beauty weighs 3 pounds, 15 ounces at this point. The other good news is that Beauty is head down for the first time. She had been transverse -- basically lying sideways across my abdomen. And yesterday at my OB appointment, my belly was measuring much more on track than before. I am measuring only two and a half weeks ahead instead of five. With Samuel, at each appointment I measured farther and farther ahead, so I am encouraged by this turn of events. It makes me hopeful that perhaps Beauty will not make her appearance too early.
I have been kind of plagued by delivery fears this time around. It seems so silly to be worried about delivery after having already done it three times, but for a myriad of reasons, I am much more concerned this time than I ever have been before. With Caleb, my first, I was peaceful because to some degree I was oblivious and ignorant. I figured I could do it because women throughout all of time have done it -- and most of them without any medical assistance. If they could do it, I could. And that's true. But once I had done it, and without medication, my appreciation for the difficulty of it and the very real pain of it was quite a bit greater. I was more nervous with Joel, my second, simply because I knew it would really, truly hurt. But I wasn't scared.
But after having Samuel, my fears are heightened. I am sure there are more factors to my fear than I am even aware of, but part of it is my concern that we will have another unhealthy baby, and the rapture of having just delivered a baby will be squelched by the reality of a sick baby. I am worried I will head into labor rather panicky, and that seems like a recipe for disaster -- especially if I go unmedicated for the fourth time. Another major component of my fear is how rapid my labors have become. With each child, time has shaved off the overall length of my labors, and with Samuel, it was three hours from start to finish. When I arrived at the hospital, two hours into labor, I was 3-4 centimeters dilated. Fifteen minutes later, I was 7 cm, and less than a half an hour after that, Samuel was out. It was unbelievably quick, and I remember feeling pretty out of control because of how rapidly everything progressed and how there was no time for me to get into a rhythm. Plus, Samuel's heartrate was seriously spiking during labor. It would jump between the 140's and the 240's, and I was certainly worried about his well-being. But labor was too fast to really do anything about it. I was at the hospital less than an hour before Samuel was born.
If labor with Beauty is even an hour shorter, I have almost no time to determine I am in fact in labor, get Bryan home from work, get someone here to watch the boys, drive the bare minimum of 25 minutes to the hospital (up to an hour if it's traffic time!), and actually get into a hospital room before she will be out. The thought of not making it to the hospital in time sends my stomach into turmoil. And honestly, it's a real possibility. Bryan, who gets seriously queasy around blood, is planning to come to an OB appointment with me to get an emergency crash course in delivering in the car -- just in case. Obviously that's a worst case scenario, but it's better to be prepared.
I spoke with my OB yesterday about my concerns, and he said we should prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So I am trying to be prepared for a rushed, frantic labor where we won't have time to get everything in order and leisurely make our way to the hospital. But I am hoping I go into labor when Bryan is already home and my mom is in town or my friend Libby is home, a mere five minutes away. I am hoping we have some warning signs ahead of time, so we can be ready, and I am really, really hoping that I am not in transition (when you progress from 7cm-10cm and experience the most intense pain) while in the car or the hospital lobby.
Most of all, I am praying that Beauty is fully healthy, and I am working to trust all my concerns into God's hands. I know He is trustworthy, so I have been a little baffled by my seeming inability to trust Him with this labor. A few weeks ago, I was so nervous I actually got sick to my stomach every time I thought or talked about delivery. Now I am calmer and more peaceful (surely due to prayer on the part of some dear friends and family), and I am feeling more able to handle whatever it is that comes my way. I know I have done this three times before, and I know with God's help, I can do it again. In many ways my births with Caleb and Joel were beautiful and wonderful, and I looked forward to doing it again someday. Samuel's birth was different because I wasn't holding my precious son after all the work of delivery, but I have another God-given chance to birth a child, and I don't want to waste it or dismiss it or wish it away. I know it's the way God designed life to begin, and I want to walk that with courage, faith, trust, and dependence on Him. So I am continually working to "cast all my anxieties on him because he cares for me" (I Peter 5:7) and to fix my thoughts on Him, so that He will keep me in perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3). I know Beauty is His, not mine, and I can, in fact, entrust her to His care!
I have been kind of plagued by delivery fears this time around. It seems so silly to be worried about delivery after having already done it three times, but for a myriad of reasons, I am much more concerned this time than I ever have been before. With Caleb, my first, I was peaceful because to some degree I was oblivious and ignorant. I figured I could do it because women throughout all of time have done it -- and most of them without any medical assistance. If they could do it, I could. And that's true. But once I had done it, and without medication, my appreciation for the difficulty of it and the very real pain of it was quite a bit greater. I was more nervous with Joel, my second, simply because I knew it would really, truly hurt. But I wasn't scared.
But after having Samuel, my fears are heightened. I am sure there are more factors to my fear than I am even aware of, but part of it is my concern that we will have another unhealthy baby, and the rapture of having just delivered a baby will be squelched by the reality of a sick baby. I am worried I will head into labor rather panicky, and that seems like a recipe for disaster -- especially if I go unmedicated for the fourth time. Another major component of my fear is how rapid my labors have become. With each child, time has shaved off the overall length of my labors, and with Samuel, it was three hours from start to finish. When I arrived at the hospital, two hours into labor, I was 3-4 centimeters dilated. Fifteen minutes later, I was 7 cm, and less than a half an hour after that, Samuel was out. It was unbelievably quick, and I remember feeling pretty out of control because of how rapidly everything progressed and how there was no time for me to get into a rhythm. Plus, Samuel's heartrate was seriously spiking during labor. It would jump between the 140's and the 240's, and I was certainly worried about his well-being. But labor was too fast to really do anything about it. I was at the hospital less than an hour before Samuel was born.
If labor with Beauty is even an hour shorter, I have almost no time to determine I am in fact in labor, get Bryan home from work, get someone here to watch the boys, drive the bare minimum of 25 minutes to the hospital (up to an hour if it's traffic time!), and actually get into a hospital room before she will be out. The thought of not making it to the hospital in time sends my stomach into turmoil. And honestly, it's a real possibility. Bryan, who gets seriously queasy around blood, is planning to come to an OB appointment with me to get an emergency crash course in delivering in the car -- just in case. Obviously that's a worst case scenario, but it's better to be prepared.
I spoke with my OB yesterday about my concerns, and he said we should prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So I am trying to be prepared for a rushed, frantic labor where we won't have time to get everything in order and leisurely make our way to the hospital. But I am hoping I go into labor when Bryan is already home and my mom is in town or my friend Libby is home, a mere five minutes away. I am hoping we have some warning signs ahead of time, so we can be ready, and I am really, really hoping that I am not in transition (when you progress from 7cm-10cm and experience the most intense pain) while in the car or the hospital lobby.
Most of all, I am praying that Beauty is fully healthy, and I am working to trust all my concerns into God's hands. I know He is trustworthy, so I have been a little baffled by my seeming inability to trust Him with this labor. A few weeks ago, I was so nervous I actually got sick to my stomach every time I thought or talked about delivery. Now I am calmer and more peaceful (surely due to prayer on the part of some dear friends and family), and I am feeling more able to handle whatever it is that comes my way. I know I have done this three times before, and I know with God's help, I can do it again. In many ways my births with Caleb and Joel were beautiful and wonderful, and I looked forward to doing it again someday. Samuel's birth was different because I wasn't holding my precious son after all the work of delivery, but I have another God-given chance to birth a child, and I don't want to waste it or dismiss it or wish it away. I know it's the way God designed life to begin, and I want to walk that with courage, faith, trust, and dependence on Him. So I am continually working to "cast all my anxieties on him because he cares for me" (I Peter 5:7) and to fix my thoughts on Him, so that He will keep me in perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3). I know Beauty is His, not mine, and I can, in fact, entrust her to His care!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
A Few Pictures
Joel -- The World's Cutest Kitchen Helper
Caleb -- The World's Cutest Soccer Player
28 weeks 3 days pregnant with "Beauty"
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Growing with Beauty
Last Friday I saw both the perinatologist and my ob again. The boys actually came to the ultrasound with Bryan and I so that they, too, could get a peek at Beauty. It was hard to get a good look at her face because her legs were right in front of it, but the boys enjoyed seeing her nonetheless.
They measured my amniotic fluid again, and it was even higher than last time, so I do officially have polyhydramnios. My abdomen measurements support this as I measured 32 weeks pregnant when I was only 27 weeks. So, I am measuring a full five weeks ahead. I look pretty darn pregnant. In fact, today a man at Bed, Bath, and Beyond asked me, "How many more months do you have? Or should I say weeks, days, hours?" Despite the extra fluid, the perinatologist seemed pretty relaxed about the state of affairs. His biggest concern is preterm labor, as is ours. He did tell us that two-thirds of women with polyhydramnios have no known cause for it, and though Samuel's heart was a cause for it last time, in all likelihood there is no real reason for it this time -- especially since I passed the glucose test and do not have gestational diabetes. Bryan and I are both feeling pretty calm and unconcerned about the diagnosis. I continue to have some apprehension about Beauty's lungs being fully developed when she arrives, mainly because of how underdeveloped Samuel's were, but otherwise I'd say we're resting easy.
Because of my extra fluid, once I reach 32 weeks I will begin twice weekly doctor's appointments. I did the same thing with Samuel. I will see my ob on Mondays for a non-stress test where they strap a belt around my belly and monitor Beauty's movements and heartbeat, and then on Fridays I will have an ultrasound to measure fluid, look at the blood flow to the umbilical cord, check to see she is not under stress, etc. It's rather inconvenient to arrange childcare twice a week, but the upside is that we'll know how she's doing on a very regular basis. And we'll get lots of ultrasound pictures of our cutie. :) Actually, one of Samuel's 3D ultrasound pictures from a year and a half ago is on the bulletin board at the perinatologists', and I love to look at it and even touch it when I walk by. It's very faded, and soon I'm sure they will take it down, but it's strangely comforting to know my baby boy is gracing the wall of somewhere other than our house.
As I entered the third trimester today (28 weeks) and as we prepare for Beauty's arrival, I am getting more and more excited about meeting her. We are picking out a paint color for her room and are in the process of transitioning it from Samuel's room to Beauty's room. Every day it is a little less Samuel's as we paint swatches on the wall, organize the closet and put her few girl clothes front and center, and pick out paper with which to make and frame her initials. Last week I called it Beauty's room once, and Caleb was immediately bothered. He said, "It's not Beauty's room! It's Samuel's room!" I told him I was feeling kind of confused about it and wasn't sure what to call it. I explained that it was Samuel's room, but it will be Beauty's room, and I never know what to name it. I asked him what he thought we should do, and he decided to call it "the baby's room." I am happy for him to do so, but it doesn't really satisfy my confusion. I finally decided to call it Samuel's room until we truly transition it to her room -- paint it, change the decorations, put up her initials, etc. Even if Samuel was alive, we would move him into another room and turn "the baby's room" into Beauty's room. Once upon a time it was Joel's room, and we moved him out to make room for Samuel. So it is a room that would have held Joel, Samuel, and Beauty, and therefore it doesn't feel so heartbreaking for it to cease being Samuel's room. Part of the closet is allotted to Samuel's things -- the keepsakes I sorted through awhile ago, the blanket we wrapped and held him in while he was dying, the lovely afghan my grandmother knit for him while he was in my womb, etc. It will be sad to have his life relegated to a corner of the closet, but at the same time, it feels like a natural part of healing and grieving. And his picture will stay in the room as will the wooden block with all his birth stats that my brother's family gave us shortly after he was born.
I do find myself missing him a lot lately. Today when Beauty gave me a particularly sharp kick, I started to call her Samuel, and it made me sad. I have been trying to envision what life with four would be like -- a 6 year old, 4 year old, not quite 2 year old, and a newborn. When I think about it, my head spins a little. I wish we had gotten the chance to live that chaos though I wonder how crazy it would have beeen if Samuel wasn't a healthy boy. No doubt our world would be surprisingly different if Samuel had lived but still required intense medical care. Despite how much I miss him, I do love thinking about him healthy, happy, and complete in Heaven.
These are days in which I try to live in peace and joy and make the most of this time I have with my daughter. There are no promises that I will have many, many days to spend with her, so I am cherishing each day I get -- with hopes of abundantly more. Bryan and I are mentally preparing for 8 more weeks of pregnancy instead of 12 since Samuel made his entrance 3 1/2 weeks early, and my fluid levels mean an early birth is likely. So we're working hard to prepare for her arrival, to finally settle on one of the two names we've narrowed the list down to, and to increase the boys' independence and responsibilities. We are living in hopes of a healthy baby and many changes ahead, and we are trusting God to be God. In the days before our daughter makes her arrival, we are thankful for a God we can depend on, that we don't have to live in fear, and that He created this little one exactly as He saw fit. We can't wait to see her for ourselves.
They measured my amniotic fluid again, and it was even higher than last time, so I do officially have polyhydramnios. My abdomen measurements support this as I measured 32 weeks pregnant when I was only 27 weeks. So, I am measuring a full five weeks ahead. I look pretty darn pregnant. In fact, today a man at Bed, Bath, and Beyond asked me, "How many more months do you have? Or should I say weeks, days, hours?" Despite the extra fluid, the perinatologist seemed pretty relaxed about the state of affairs. His biggest concern is preterm labor, as is ours. He did tell us that two-thirds of women with polyhydramnios have no known cause for it, and though Samuel's heart was a cause for it last time, in all likelihood there is no real reason for it this time -- especially since I passed the glucose test and do not have gestational diabetes. Bryan and I are both feeling pretty calm and unconcerned about the diagnosis. I continue to have some apprehension about Beauty's lungs being fully developed when she arrives, mainly because of how underdeveloped Samuel's were, but otherwise I'd say we're resting easy.
Because of my extra fluid, once I reach 32 weeks I will begin twice weekly doctor's appointments. I did the same thing with Samuel. I will see my ob on Mondays for a non-stress test where they strap a belt around my belly and monitor Beauty's movements and heartbeat, and then on Fridays I will have an ultrasound to measure fluid, look at the blood flow to the umbilical cord, check to see she is not under stress, etc. It's rather inconvenient to arrange childcare twice a week, but the upside is that we'll know how she's doing on a very regular basis. And we'll get lots of ultrasound pictures of our cutie. :) Actually, one of Samuel's 3D ultrasound pictures from a year and a half ago is on the bulletin board at the perinatologists', and I love to look at it and even touch it when I walk by. It's very faded, and soon I'm sure they will take it down, but it's strangely comforting to know my baby boy is gracing the wall of somewhere other than our house.
As I entered the third trimester today (28 weeks) and as we prepare for Beauty's arrival, I am getting more and more excited about meeting her. We are picking out a paint color for her room and are in the process of transitioning it from Samuel's room to Beauty's room. Every day it is a little less Samuel's as we paint swatches on the wall, organize the closet and put her few girl clothes front and center, and pick out paper with which to make and frame her initials. Last week I called it Beauty's room once, and Caleb was immediately bothered. He said, "It's not Beauty's room! It's Samuel's room!" I told him I was feeling kind of confused about it and wasn't sure what to call it. I explained that it was Samuel's room, but it will be Beauty's room, and I never know what to name it. I asked him what he thought we should do, and he decided to call it "the baby's room." I am happy for him to do so, but it doesn't really satisfy my confusion. I finally decided to call it Samuel's room until we truly transition it to her room -- paint it, change the decorations, put up her initials, etc. Even if Samuel was alive, we would move him into another room and turn "the baby's room" into Beauty's room. Once upon a time it was Joel's room, and we moved him out to make room for Samuel. So it is a room that would have held Joel, Samuel, and Beauty, and therefore it doesn't feel so heartbreaking for it to cease being Samuel's room. Part of the closet is allotted to Samuel's things -- the keepsakes I sorted through awhile ago, the blanket we wrapped and held him in while he was dying, the lovely afghan my grandmother knit for him while he was in my womb, etc. It will be sad to have his life relegated to a corner of the closet, but at the same time, it feels like a natural part of healing and grieving. And his picture will stay in the room as will the wooden block with all his birth stats that my brother's family gave us shortly after he was born.
I do find myself missing him a lot lately. Today when Beauty gave me a particularly sharp kick, I started to call her Samuel, and it made me sad. I have been trying to envision what life with four would be like -- a 6 year old, 4 year old, not quite 2 year old, and a newborn. When I think about it, my head spins a little. I wish we had gotten the chance to live that chaos though I wonder how crazy it would have beeen if Samuel wasn't a healthy boy. No doubt our world would be surprisingly different if Samuel had lived but still required intense medical care. Despite how much I miss him, I do love thinking about him healthy, happy, and complete in Heaven.
These are days in which I try to live in peace and joy and make the most of this time I have with my daughter. There are no promises that I will have many, many days to spend with her, so I am cherishing each day I get -- with hopes of abundantly more. Bryan and I are mentally preparing for 8 more weeks of pregnancy instead of 12 since Samuel made his entrance 3 1/2 weeks early, and my fluid levels mean an early birth is likely. So we're working hard to prepare for her arrival, to finally settle on one of the two names we've narrowed the list down to, and to increase the boys' independence and responsibilities. We are living in hopes of a healthy baby and many changes ahead, and we are trusting God to be God. In the days before our daughter makes her arrival, we are thankful for a God we can depend on, that we don't have to live in fear, and that He created this little one exactly as He saw fit. We can't wait to see her for ourselves.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Beauty Update
I had an ultrasound this afternoon to look at our Beauty girl again. Boy, is she cute! The sonographer checked her stomach measurement which they had been minorly concerned about last time, and it was completely normal. In fact, it's now above average. So that was certainly good news.
The news I wasn't so happy to get is about my amniotic fluid. With Samuel I had polyhydramnios -- too much amniotic fluid -- and in all likelihood that was because of his heart defect. Today I learned that my amniotic fluid is once again high. High amniotic fluid can be an indication that 1) something is wrong with the baby's heart, 2) something is wrong with the baby's kidneys, or 3) the mother has gestational diabetes (diabetes only during pregnancy). So far, both Beauty's heart and kidneys appear to be normal. So we will wait and see if my gestational diabetes test is positive. After discussing the results with me, they actually had me go back in the ultrasound room to remeasure the amniotic fluid, and the second time they were even higher -- and she measured me twice on my second go just to be sure, with the second of those measurements the highest of them all.
Should this condition persist, I will be at risk for preterm labor. That is concerning given Samuel's under-developed lungs. Lungs are the last organ to develop in pregnancy, and though Samuel was 36 1/2 weeks (nearly full-term), his lungs looked like a baby born at 26 weeks (which I will be next week). I did ask if polyhydramnios is related to poor lung development, and the NP told me that it's actually the reverse: too little amniotic fluid can result in poor lung development. At least that was a relief.
The doctors are clearly concerned about this new state of affairs, but they are not alarmed. I would say that fairly accurately describes how Bryan and I are feeling as well. It makes me nervous to know that something is going on that can be indicative of heart defects and to know we're at risk for an early birth and therefore the possibility of under-developed lungs. Repeating any of the diagnoses we faced with Samuel is not something I am keen to do.
Most of all, this has reminded me that nothing is certain or promised in regards to Beauty. It makes me work to open my hands back up and hold her loosely before God, knowing she is His, not mine. Bryan and I have never assumed we will have a healthy baby to hold, love, and raise at the end of this pregnancy, but slowly over the last months, I have begun to think that Beauty will probably be the baby we have beseeched God to grant us. Today shook that a little. Regardless, God is enough NO MATTER what is ahead, but I am praying for smooth sailing. :) We covet your prayers as well. We want to rest in the peace that God is good and faithful and sufficient. I want to live by the mantra that kept me sane and peaceful during Samuel's life: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose thoughts are fixed on you" (Isaiah 26:3). And I don't want my history to make me panicky or fearful or anxious. I simply want to trust God to be God, and I want to confidently follow where He leads. In all likelihood, Beauty is healthy, and my amniotic fluid won't have a significant impact on her well-being or her life when she makes her entrance. And I don't want to waste the upcoming weeks in fear or trembling. Instead I want to treasure her life and the time I have with her in my belly, and I want to rest in my good God.
The news I wasn't so happy to get is about my amniotic fluid. With Samuel I had polyhydramnios -- too much amniotic fluid -- and in all likelihood that was because of his heart defect. Today I learned that my amniotic fluid is once again high. High amniotic fluid can be an indication that 1) something is wrong with the baby's heart, 2) something is wrong with the baby's kidneys, or 3) the mother has gestational diabetes (diabetes only during pregnancy). So far, both Beauty's heart and kidneys appear to be normal. So we will wait and see if my gestational diabetes test is positive. After discussing the results with me, they actually had me go back in the ultrasound room to remeasure the amniotic fluid, and the second time they were even higher -- and she measured me twice on my second go just to be sure, with the second of those measurements the highest of them all.
Should this condition persist, I will be at risk for preterm labor. That is concerning given Samuel's under-developed lungs. Lungs are the last organ to develop in pregnancy, and though Samuel was 36 1/2 weeks (nearly full-term), his lungs looked like a baby born at 26 weeks (which I will be next week). I did ask if polyhydramnios is related to poor lung development, and the NP told me that it's actually the reverse: too little amniotic fluid can result in poor lung development. At least that was a relief.
The doctors are clearly concerned about this new state of affairs, but they are not alarmed. I would say that fairly accurately describes how Bryan and I are feeling as well. It makes me nervous to know that something is going on that can be indicative of heart defects and to know we're at risk for an early birth and therefore the possibility of under-developed lungs. Repeating any of the diagnoses we faced with Samuel is not something I am keen to do.
Most of all, this has reminded me that nothing is certain or promised in regards to Beauty. It makes me work to open my hands back up and hold her loosely before God, knowing she is His, not mine. Bryan and I have never assumed we will have a healthy baby to hold, love, and raise at the end of this pregnancy, but slowly over the last months, I have begun to think that Beauty will probably be the baby we have beseeched God to grant us. Today shook that a little. Regardless, God is enough NO MATTER what is ahead, but I am praying for smooth sailing. :) We covet your prayers as well. We want to rest in the peace that God is good and faithful and sufficient. I want to live by the mantra that kept me sane and peaceful during Samuel's life: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose thoughts are fixed on you" (Isaiah 26:3). And I don't want my history to make me panicky or fearful or anxious. I simply want to trust God to be God, and I want to confidently follow where He leads. In all likelihood, Beauty is healthy, and my amniotic fluid won't have a significant impact on her well-being or her life when she makes her entrance. And I don't want to waste the upcoming weeks in fear or trembling. Instead I want to treasure her life and the time I have with her in my belly, and I want to rest in my good God.
A couple of weeks ago -- 23 1/2 weeks pregnant
Ultrasound pictures of Beauty at 25 weeks:
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