At first he couldn't articulate his feelings at all. He would say, "I don't really know how I'm feeling. I don't understand it." Once I started asking better questions, he was more able to explain his concerns. I asked him, "Are you worried about Beauty coming?" He nodded his head vigorously. When I asked, "what are you worried about?" his answer revealed the root of his reservations. He said, "I am worried that the same thing that happened to Samuel will happen to Beauty." I hugged him close and told him I understood that worry, but I reassured him that all the doctors think Beauty is healthy. I reminded him that we knew Samuel wasn't healthy before he was born; we knew about his heart. And the doctors have looked at Beauty's heart and say it is healthy. I revisited the conversation we had back in December about how God has faithfully been healing our hearts from our sorrow over Samuel and asked if he thought God would do that again if Beauty isn't healthy. He readily agreed that God would heal us. I asked if he thought we'd still be able to smile and laugh and have joy. He nodded his head but said seriously, "But not at first." I asked him if he remembered when Samuel died and how he felt and what it was like, and he said he remembers it well. I could see the fear on his face.
So we cuddled more, I tried to reassure him that all the doctors think Beauty is healthy, and I told him that we can trust God to take care of us no matter what. And then I suggested we pray about it together. He was happy to do so. We asked God to help us trust Him, to grant us a healthy baby girl, and to give Caleb peace. We acknowledged that Beauty is in His hands, and we can trust Him with her. We prayed that Caleb wouldn't be afraid but would know that God is always with him, always understands what he's feeling, and always loves him. And we thanked God that we can talk to Him about anything, anytime.
Caleb seemed more himself when we finished praying and he climbed off my lap, but what showed me the conversation had been helpful was Caleb's prayer at the dinner table. He prayed, "Dear God, Please help Beauty to be healthy. And please let her come soon -- even tonight -- if that is Your plan." He has never asked that Beauty come soon -- especially not as soon as that very day, and I've never heard him use the phrase "Your plan" before. It's not a phrase I use when I pray with the boys or when I talk to them about God, so I'm not sure where He came up with it, but I love his attitude. I love his submission to God and his desire to trust God even when he's afraid. He is a courageous kid in so many ways, which is something we pray for him everyday. Caleb means "faithful, courageous, and bold," and nightly we pray that Caleb would be faithful to God and others -- that he would acknowledge God's faithfulness and be faithful in return (as Caleb in the Bible was -- seeing God's goodness and faithfulness to the Israelites as they fled Egypt, he believed God would be faithful to help them conquer the "giants" who dwelled in the Promised Land), that God's faithfulness would make him courageous to follow Him and seek after Him, and that he would be bold to speak the truth and to love others and show others God's love. I am proud of the boy Caleb is and his sincere desire to follow and trust God.
I am praying for my boys' hearts as Beauty's arrival is in the next few weeks. I am praying that she is a healing balm for them, that when Bryan and I head to the hospital, and my mom comes to care for the boys, that the similitude to Samuel's arrival will not be on their minds, and that we will swiftly be back home, a Daddy, Mommy, oldest son, second son, and baby sister. Oh, Lord, hold my sons' hearts close. Grant them peace and a deep trust in You. And please give them the joy of growing up with a healthy baby sister. Amen.
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| Me and Caleb at his school's Mother's Day brunch |
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