Friday, November 6, 2009

A Soul that is Well

Last night Bryan and I joined our dear small group in attending Night of Worship and Communion at our church, North Point Community Church.  It has been a really long time since I've been to something like it, and I am so glad I went.  It was such a needed reminder of my relationship with God, of His love for me, of His redemption of me, of just how good and great He is.  How I needed to proclaim out loud my love for Him and His faithfulness to me.  It renewed my spirit to sing God's praises and to join a crowd of people in declaring His Lordship and trustworthiness.

The second song of the night, "Breathe on Me," was very emotional for me.  One line in particular was moving: "You are the God of my story.  Write every line for Your glory."  How I long to live this -- to know in every moment that God is writing my story and for HIS glory.  How I want for Samuel's life and death to be for God's glory, and how I want to willingly open my hands and offer my life for Him to use as He pleases and as He knows is best.  I pray every day that God would use Samuel's story -- and therefore ours -- to draw people to Him. 

A few songs later, we sang "It is Well," which we also sang at Samuel's memorial service.  As I was singing, I asked myself, "Is it well with my soul?"  And I found the answer was a resounding "YES!  It is well with my soul!"  It was so comforting to realize how truly well my soul is, that despite my sorrow and daily tears, despite missing Samuel more than words can ever say, despite the continual feeling of emptiness in my heart and my house, my soul is truly well.  My soul is confident in God's goodness to me and His presence with me.  My soul can swell with joy in singing to my very good God.  What a healing and peaceful realization that was!

I've taken communion I don't know how many times in my life, but last night was different.  Last night I knew the very personal pain of losing a son.  As I sat with the bread and juice in my hands, I kept thinking about how God gave up His son -- a sorrow I can intimately relate to -- and how He did so by choice and for me.  God willingly endured the suffering I'm facing because He loves us, and He wants to offer us forgiveness, freedom, and redemption.  I am a recipient of that matchless love of God, and I am so grateful for His sacrifice -- a sacrifice I am far from truly understanding but that I grasp better than ever before.  I cannot fathom the depth of pain God suffered to give up His blameless son for very blameworthy people. 

About half way through the service, Bryan noticed one of Samuel's doctors a few rows away from us.  I was really surprised that our lives would overlap, outside of the hospital, with one of the Egleston doctors, and immediately I felt this deep gratitude and joy in my heart that God would allow us to see someone who cared for our sweet son.  We found Dr. Kuo after the service and spent awhile talking to him and thanking him for his work and for being a gentle doctor back in August, talking to us about how sick Samuel was.  Seeing him was another glimpse of God's grace.  It was so good for us to be able to see and talk to and hug a man who was a very real part of Samuel's life and story.  It was very healing to me to be able to say thank you in person -- and with a smile on my face instead of fear in my eyes.  I walked away feeling very loved by my good God.  It was another tangible gift from Him.

So, last night was a beautiful reminder that I am a beloved child of God, that He is a loving, gentle, kind, GOOD Father, and that my soul -- as battered as it has been -- is truly and deeply well.  I am so very grateful for a God I can worship and to whom I can proclaim with full confidence of His worthiness, "Glory to God!"  What a blessed woman am I!

1 comment:

  1. I have been following your struggles and joys over the past few months. I am personal college friends with Beth & Brian White who attend your church. I just heard the new song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Heaven is the Face". It so made me think of your story!! I have attached a link to the youtube video. I hope this song ministers to you. Praying fervently for your family.