Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Day Without Tears

Saturday marked a rather momentous day for me.  It was the first day since before Samuel's death that I didn't cry.  By my recollection, I cried 83 days in a row.  That has certainly never happened in my life before.  I can't remember a day when I didn't cry while Samuel was at Egleston, but I wasn't really paying attention, so I counted from the day Samuel went downhill, and we knew death was on the horizon if God didn't intervene.  I definitely cried those last nine days. 

For some time now, I've wondered how I would feel when the day came without tears.  Would I feel guilty?  Like I was stuffing my grief? Sad that I was able to go a day without shedding tears over my son?  I worried that it would bother me to be dry-eyed.  But it didn't.  At about 11pm that night, I thought, "Huh.  I haven't cried any today.  I don't think I'm going to cry before I climb in bed.  It's been a good day, and I'm grateful for that.  I still miss Samuel tremendously.  I still wish he was in my arms and in this house, but today has been a easier day than many, and that's a good thing.  Thanks, God, for a good day." 

The days since Saturday have held plenty of tears, and that's reassuring in some way.  It's good to have good days, and it's probably good to have bad days.  It means I'm still ackonwledging my loss and sorrow.  I'm not pretending life is better, and I'm over it and ready to move on.  That's a ridiculous thought.  As time goes by, I am more and more convinced that I will never "get over" Samuel's death.  His life and death have changed me unalterably.  I am different because of loving and losing him.  I will never be the person I was before Samuel entered my life, and I don't want to be.  I will be grieving my son in some fashion or another for the rest of my life, and that's as it should be. 

So a day without tears is simply that...a day without tears.  Am I any less of Samuel's mom because of it?  Any less a changed person?  Any less aware of my son's absence?  No.  But I did have a better day, and that's something to note.  Personally, I think it's because I had a Chick-Fil-A peppermint chocolate chip milkshake on Saturday, and who can avoid being cheered up by that?  :)


  1. Hey Kathryn, I'm so glad you were able to have a day without tears. And I'm even more glad that you had such a good perspective about a day without tears. As moms who have lost their babies and try to deal with all this grief, it can be so easy to put rules and expectations on ourselves. I keep trying to remind myself that there are no rules to grief. Whatever and whenever you feel something is just right. We're allowed to be happy, sad, mad anything at anytime.

    Thanks for being so open on your blog!

  2. I'm so thankful for this good day. You have displayed such amazing courage in facing your grief. I'm so thankful to be a part of your life and so thankful for your truth in this blog. God continues to use Samuel in amazing, beautiful ways in the lives of so many. Thank you for sharing your journey - on the good and bad days. It always points our hearts to God's gracious work. Much love.

  3. We continue to pray for you - we put your family photo on our fridge to remind us. My whole family and my small groups will especially be covering you in prayer during the holiday season.

    I'm glad you had a day w/o tears. Might I suggest that dark chocolate covered peppermint Joe-joes from Trader Joes could spark another one?
    -Trish Hendon