Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Valentines, Tears, and Prayers

Yesterday the boys and I started making homemade valentines.  I let them each pick whose valentine to make.  They had each made two when Joel was ready to start another.  I listed off a bunch of people he could make one for, and he suddenly burst out with, "I'nna make one for Samuel!"  It hadn't even occured to me to make a valentine for Samuel.  I told him what a great idea it was, and he picked out the hearts he wanted to use, the color paper, etc.  He scribbled on the inside with some crayons and then told me he was ready to write a note.  Here's what he told me to say:

"I love you, Samuel.  I love you.  I wanna sometimes go at Jesus.  I love you.  Love, Joel."

Then he said, though he didn't want me to write it in the message, "I wanna see Samuel sometimes.  That means I wanna go to Heaven."

I was touched that my sweet Joel wanted to send a valentine to his baby brother in Heaven.  It amazes me how my children continue to grieve -- and often in such healthy ways, too. 

Caleb has been having a hard time lately.  He changes moods and emotions on a dime.  The other night we were racing to get ready for bed.  Bryan and Joel were in one room rushing, and Caleb and I were in another.  Caleb and I finished getting him in his pajamas and all ready for bed and went running into Joel's room to show them we were done.  Caleb was giggling and having such fun, and we threw Joel's door open, and all 4 of us said, "Ta-da!" with joy and laughter.  Suddenly Caleb was beside himself in tears and just sobbing.  I scooped him up and help him close and tried to soothe him.  In a couple of minutes he lifted his head, looked me in the eye and said, "Momma, sometimes I start crying and crying even though I'm not sad.  I don't know why I'm crying."  I can totally relate.  Poor kid.  I think he was overwhelmed and confused by his tears and that made him cry all the harder.  I think it's his grief working its way out.

The next night when we were all kneeling on the floor praying, Caleb prayed, "Dear God, please, please, please, please, oh, please, please, please help us not to miss Samuel and be so sad."  He was truly pleading with the Lord.  I was grateful for the glimpse into his heart.  I need to talk to him again about how it's ok to be sad and it's good to miss Samuel, but beyond that he was showing us his sorrowful heart.  He grieves, and Joel grieves -- just as Bryan and I grieve.  And 5 months isn't enough time to heal my little sons' hearts.  Why would anyone think it's enough time to heal ours?  This will be a lifelong journey...maybe for all of us.

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