Caleb and Joel Mourning for Samuel

Caleb and Joel continue to talk about and mourn for their baby brother.  It both blesses and breaks my heart to watch them.  At least once a day Joel says, "I'm sad Samuel's not here," and he often spends the day pretending to be Baby Samuel.  He will tell me, "I'm Baby Samuel.  You can take care of me."  Or Joel will announce that Cookie Monster is Samuel, and he'll say, "This is Samuel.  You can help me take care of him."  It's precious to see him want to cuddle and care for his baby brother.  The other day he told me, "I wish Samuel was here.  I want to play with him."  Every day it makes me sad to see how much Joel treasured being a big brother and how he misses his baby brother. 

Yesterday Joel and I went to CVS to print a few pictures of Samuel.  As we were paying for them, the saleswoman asked, "Are the pictures of your baby?"  "Yes."  "Is he at home?" "No, he died."  I was remarkably composed in the store, but the moment we stepped outside, I started crying.  Little Joel was in my arms and was immediately concerned: "Are you happy now, Momma?"  I continually try to explain to him that it's ok to be sad, and we can even be happy and sad at the same time -- I can be sad Samuel is not with us at the same time I'm happy to be with Joel.  On the drive home, Joel told me, "I don't like Jesus, Momma."  After some questions, I discerned that he is upset Samuel is with Jesus instead of with us.  When I told him how happy Samuel is and what a happy place Heaven is, he seemed comforted and more ok with Samuel being there.

When we got home, I took Joel in his room and put a picture of him kissing Samuel in a frame.  I explained that I was putting it in Joel's room so he could see a picture of himself being a big brother to Samuel, that he could see his baby brother and remember what a wonderful big brother he is to Baby Samuel.  Joel smiled and said, "It's good.  I like it, Momma."

Caleb still cries about Samuel and missing him, and he often talks to Joel about it.  I regularly overhear them discussing Samuel and Heaven during roomtime or over the lunch table.  I am glad they are talking about it and treasure that they talk to each other about it.  I hope it's the start of a lifelong close friendship between them.  One lunch this is what I heard:

Caleb: "Why are you sad, Joel?"
Joel: "Because I miss Samuel."
Caleb: "I miss Samuel too."
Joel: "I want to hold him.  Maybe Baby June can come." (Baby June is my brother's daughter who was born 16 hours after Samuel.  Joel talks about her a lot and often makes one of his Cookie Monster's Samuel and the other one June.)
Caleb: "HERE?!  Baby June can't come here!  She can't drive!!"
Joel: "Maybe.  Yeah, maybe."

And yesterday Caleb told us another one of his preschool buddies knows about Samuel.   Apparently when the kids were cleaning up, Caleb and Nicholas crossed paths.  Nicholas said something about Samuel and told Caleb he was sorry.  Caleb thanked them, and they both continuing picking up.  Caleb again expressed how very happy it made him to hear his friends talk about his baby brother.

I do love hearing Caleb and Joel's hearts, and I do love that I get to shepherd them through life and comfort them, point them to Jesus, and listen to their thoughts and feelings.  It is a privilege beyond almost all others to be "Momma" to Caleb and Joel, and I pray daily for the wisdom to do it well.  I pray for the Lord to heal their broken hearts and to draw my sons to Himself.  I pray the same for me and for Bryan.  May we as a family be who He wants us to be, may we learn what He wants us to learn, and may we honor Him as we mourn for our beloved Samuel.