Conflicting Emotions on New Year's Eve

Tomorrow marks the start of a new year and a new decade.  I feel a lot of conflicting emotions as I contemplate the past year and think about a coming one.  This past year I got to spend 8 months preparing for our new baby and one blessed month by his side, kissing and loving him in a way I've never loved anyone else.  2009 is the year that gave me Samuel.  But it is also the year that took him away.  2009 is the year I held my son as he died, the year with an agonizing month full of fear and uncertainty, the year I had to attend my son's funeral and visit his gravesite.  It is a year of deep grief and pain and heartbreak unlike any I've felt before. 

So, I feel confused about looking back and looking ahead.  In some ways I am grateful to move out of this year I will always remember as heartbreaking, but in other ways, it pains me to move farther past the month in which I got to touch and kiss my Samuel.  I both appreciate that every day means breathing a little deeper and resent that every day gets a smidge easier.  I don't want to move away from Samuel, but at the same time I know it's part of healing, and I can't stay in this place of intense suffering forever.  And I recognize that the turning of a new year doesn't in any way mandate a change in my grief.  But it is a significant date nonetheless. 

I also find myself dwelling on what this decade has held.  My life has changed drastically from that of a youth to that of an adult.  The 2000's have held a plethora of milestones: graduating from college, marrying Bryan, having my first fulltime job, moving from Texas to Georgia, teaching high school for 4 years, seeing my parents' marriage of over 33 years come to a devastating end, buying our first house, having our first child, having our second child, having a miscarriage, selling our first house, buying our second house, having another miscarriage, having our third son, and losing a child.  That is a lot!  So much of it has been wonderful, and it's certainly held the most dear times of my life thus far.  But a lot of it has been truly difficult as well.  It's a little overwhelming to look back and realize this decade is nearly behind me, and there is so much of it I would love to live over again.

Today also marks 4 months since Samuel died, and tomorrow he would have turned 5 months old.  This day holds a swarm of memories and thoughts and questions.  I don't know what's ahead.  Do I have the courage to walk forward into another year and another decade and have hope and joy?  Can I be peaceful and trust God completely to meet every need and care for every wound?  I pray that I can and that I do.  May 2010 be a year full of trust, of healing, of grace, a year I look back on and see God's provision and kindness and presence.  And may it be a year where I become more fully the woman God wants me to be.