Samuel's Funeral

Today was our sweet Samuel's funeral. I have now buried a child of mine. Almost 9 years ago when Bryan and I got married and we would picture the future, I never foresaw today. I think somewhere inside I assumed how God worked -- since Bryan had lost his mom to cancer when he was 14 and his dad when he was 21, I figured Bryan wouldn't possibly have to face the death of his son. But God is unpredictable, and He doesn't follow the patterns I set out for Him. He has ways that are (thankfully) higher than my ways. And sorrow and hardships don't get evenly spread among people. And that's ok. I don't want to walk someone else's path; I want to faithfully journey down the road the Lord has laid before me. I don't want a life different from the one He has for me. I trust that His ways are best even though I don't understand them. And I have to remember that losing Samuel does not make us immune to future heartbreak; it doesn't buy us a pass. We have to seek God's face and grace in each new day and trust Him with what that day holds. As Bryan often starts his days saying, "God, we don't know what today holds, but we know You hold today."

Today, though heartbreaking and painful, was a beautiful day in many regards. We did get to celebrate our precious boy, and we had many friends join us in that celebration. I didn't know many of the people who attended the funeral, and I felt so supported and cared for by the presence of those who came. And this morning I saw a glimpse of God's power and life-giving grace. My parents divorced very painfully over 7 years ago, and they haven't seen each other since the day my dad walked out. Though I knew it would be very difficult for everyone, I really wanted both my mom and dad to be here for Samuel's funeral, and all parties braved an uncomfortable experience to stand with us at Samuel's grave. To my shock and utter amazement, not only did my parents stand in the same room together, they embraced and shared tears. I never, ever thought I would see such a moment of grace. I was deeply touched by their courage and their selfless love for me that they would willingly enter into something so uncomfortable for my sake. Thank you, Mom, and thank you, Dad, for giving me a moment of true joy on one of the most heartbreaking and dark days of my life.

North Point put together excerpts from our email updates and blog, and they were hard to read -- to see our joy and hope back in April when we found out Samuel was a boy and that he had a heart defect, to read the difficult journey we've been on ever since, and to know how the story ends. It hurts to relive the excitement of anticipating his arrival when we know we will never be bringing that precious baby home. But, again, I would never undo this experience. I wouldn't trade my 30 days with Samuel for the world. I think Bryan and I will always look back on August 2009 as a holy time.

Bill Willitts and John Woodall both spoke at the service, and Todd Fields sang "Grace Upon Grace," Sandra McCracken's song that we sang to Samuel everyday. We all sang two of the other songs we'd daily sing to our little boy -- "Blessed Be Your Name" and "It Is Well." We watched Matthew's DVD of Samuel's life (which I am trying to upload to the blog), and Bryan spoke. He talked about hope and how our hope is in Christ -- the only sure thing. Permit me to sing my husband's praise: he did a great job. Some day I will just write a post about how remarkable Bryan is. This last month has proven to me yet again that I married the most amazing man. Blessed am I.

I think the hardest part of the day for me was walking up to the gravesite and seeing this tiny box waiting to be buried. Thinking of my baby inside there....well, there aren't words. My solace was in knowing that the real Samuel is alive and well in Heaven, and what's in that casket is nothing more than the imperfect body that couldn't hold his precious life. Last night when I was praying, I told God, "I don't know if I'm even allowed to ask this because I don't know how it works, but could you please give my Samuel extra cuddles from me and tell him how much I love him?" I like to think of God as filling in all the gaps we couldn't while Samuel was here -- of holding, kissing, and rocking my baby. It was hard to walk away from the casket today. To turn my back and leave. But again, I know Samuel is not really there. Last night when I was talking to Caleb about Samuel being in Heaven, Caleb said, "Samuel will grow up in Heaven!" That made me smile. I don't know how Heaven works, but it's a lovely thought, and it reminded me of one of the verses on Samuel's prayer blanket, "...the boy Samuel grew up in the presence of the Lord" (I Samuel 2:21b).

Anyway, that's enough rambling for the night. It's late, and I am exhausted from this day. It is good for me to record this journey. Thank you for journeying with us. You bless us more than you know.