Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A Valentine Short

Most days, most of the day, I am joyful, content, and full-hearted.  But there are moments when grief creeps up unexpectedly.  A couple of weeks ago, Samuel would have turned two and half, driving home from church on Sunday, "Blessed Be Your Name" came on the radio, and days like today, Valentine's Day, I think about how there should be one more valentine on the table.  Missing Samuel is a normal part of life, but there are moments when the longing is poignant.

A few days ago, Joel and I were sitting on the living room floor together reading the journal I keep for him.  (I keep a journal for each of my kids.  I write periodically about their recent doings or sayings, and I write a letter to them every year on their birthday.)  As I was reading to Joel, I felt overwhelmed with nostalgia for what was, for the baby boy and little boy he used to be.  As I choked back tears, I couldn't help but think how I missed all those precious things with Samuel -- all those things only a momma really knows.  And I thought about how someday these precious young days with Anna will be behind me.  I am an extremely commemorative person, and I rue the passage of time in general.  I always want to hold on tight to the present because it feels like it's slipping away.  And with little kids and especially babies, it whisks by in a flash, and I can never have it back.  Thinking of what has already passed -- the first years with Caleb and Joel, Samuel's whole life -- I felt overwhelmed with sorrow and longing and heartbreak.  It was one of those rare out-of-time moments when you can see life clearly from a birds' eye view, if only for a the span of a few heartbeats. It makes me grateful that I soaked up every second I could while Samuel was living, that we created happy memories in the midst of fear and sadness.  That month with Samuel felt like a lifetime in so many ways, though of course it wasn't nearly enough time -- no amount of time with a son or daughter could ever be enough.

I miss that sweet Samuel of mine.  And as often as I imagine what life would be like if he was here, I have no idea how different our family would feel or life would really be if he was with us still.  Nothing will ever fill the Samuel-shaped void in our lives.  And that's as it should be.  Though I miss him, I still have incredible peace in life without him.  And every time I look at Anna, I thank God for how she continues to heal our hearts, to make grief more bearable and this family closer to complete.  I am so glad that this year I have three little Valentines to smother with kisses and cuddles.  And someday when I'm in Heaven too, my fourth little valentine will get his share of those!

1 comment:

  1. kathryn...we still pray for your family. for your grief. i cannot imagine how deep the pit feels from time to time. even still. i was reading back through some of your other posts & saw what you said about dr. roy. we see him also, he's amazing. so glad that people like him provide with you such encouragement about sweet samuel's life. we love your family!