Thursday, January 13, 2011

An Upcoming Peek at "Tad"

I woke up anxious this morning and had a hard time shaking it.  I am sure it's because of our upcoming ultrasound when we will get our first peek at baby's heart and an idea if this baby, too, will have a heart defect or other anatomical problems.  On top of the uncertainty about the health of this baby is the uncertainty of whether or not I will actually have the appointment.  The Atlanta area has been completely snowed and iced in since Sunday night.  I have gone no farther than my backyard in four days.  Bryan has now ventured out twice for work related things, and both times he has commented on how treacherous the roads are.  Not knowing if we'll actually get to see "Tad" (Caleb's nickname for the baby) has compounded the uncertainties and my nervousness.

It's been five weeks since my last appointment, and that time has passed in relative calm and peace.  We've been exceedingly busy with travels to Pennsylvania, Arizona, and Texas, and I haven't had a lot of time to dwell on this upcoming appointment -- until being snowed in, that is.  Really, until this morning, I haven't been very anxious at all.  That's partly because I know there's absolutely nothing I can do about baby's anatomy, partly because I can't possibly speed up the days and learn anything any sooner, partly because I am happy to rest in this time of not knowing when there is no definite problem and my pregnancy is "normal," and mostly because I know God is good and faithful and enough for whatever is ahead. 

But today when I think about what the appointment may hold, my stomach knots up, and I feel a little quesy.  I can't help but remember how I felt the morning of Samuel's 19 week ultrasound.  I woke up completely anxious -- after having experienced no fear about baby's well-being since my 12 week check-up.  That morning I was pacing the house I was so nervous, and my heart was pounding out of my chest.  I think God was preparing me for what we would learn in a couple of hours.  And I can't help but feel some of that now as we get ready for our equivalent appointment with "Tad."  The fact that we will likely be navigating icy roads doesn't do anything to help my uneasiness.

But the truth is, it's all in God's good, capable hands.  He has not been blind to the formation of this baby as we have been.  His hands have been and continue to knit our little one together.  He has not made any mistakes as He has shaped and formed our baby.  Whatever we learn at our ultrasound will be a glimpse into the life God has planned for our child.  And I can rejoice in God's perfect plan, even if it isn't the plan I would design.  We may get bad news.  But the bottom line is that God will be with us just as He was with us through my pregnancy with Samuel and his birth and life.  There is no story too big for God, no pain too deep, no fear too mountainous, no grief too wide.  He can hold it all in His hands, and He can and will grant us what we need to walk through whatever is ahead.  He IS enough.  And I can rest in that even as my stomach churns and my heart races.

When we went to our 12 week ultrasound, we expected to learn something about baby's heart, though that did not end up being the case.  That morning I purposefully put on a necklace someone gave to me that says "hope" and has the reference for Psalm 34:17-19 on it.  As I encircled my neck with it, I thought to myself, "I am putting on hope and knowing God is with us.  I know He is near to the brokenhearted and rescues those who are crushed in spirit."  I saw it almost like putting on the full armor of God that Ephesians talks about.  The necklace was my reminder that God is my armor, my rescuer, and I can trust in Him.  I plan to wear the same necklace when we go to this ultrasound, to remember that I can trust in our good God.

The God who made Samuel and blessed us with his life is also making "Tad."  There is no life God could create in my womb that I would not want to love.  We will love and cherish any child God grants us, and I look forward to knowing our "Tad" a little better whenever our appointment ends up happening.


  1. Oh Lord, May You surround Kathryn and Bryan and little Tad with Your loving presence and the hope and peace only You can give.

  2. Hi Kathryn. My name is Nicole and I know Bryan through working at the church. I've heard him tell your story a few times at Hope meetings and my heart has always gone out to your family. I am so happy to hear about your pregnancy and just wanted to let you know that my husband and I will be lifting up in prayer you, your family and your sweet little baby. Congratulations and God bless!