Samuel's Heart: Expecting Anna

Last week was the one year anniversary of when we found out we were expecting our sweet Anna Pea. I never blogged about that day, so I thought I would post some excerpts from my journal.

"October 16, 2010

Yesterday morning I found out I'm pregnant! I, of course, have no idea what will happen. In no way do I assume this will result in a healthy baby in 9 months. But I am so, so happy that I even can get pregnant. Lately I've begun to assume that pregnancy is not in our future, and I feel like I accepted that. I quit expecting God to grant us a pregnancy, and I was ok with that. It made me sad, but I didn't feel the need to take it in my hands and force it. I didn't feel myself resisting God on it. I felt surrendered.

I didn't sleep well the night before, knowing I was going to take the test in the morning. After fighting it for an hour and a half, I finally got up early while Bry was still in bed, closed the bathroom door, and took the test. While waiting for the digital test to spit out its answer, I was pretty sure I had started my period and said out loud, "There it is. Well, that was a waste of a test." Just then I looked down at the test on the bathroom floor. It said, 'Pregnant.' I was so stunned. I stood up in a fog and walked to the sink. When I got there, I started sobbing and sobbing. I was shaking and gasping for breath and bawling my eyes out. I was totally, totally shocked. And I was a mixture of overwhelmed, immensely relieved, grateful, terrified, absolutely amazed I could get pregnant, humbled, and sad. I wanted to fall on my knees and weep before God for thankfulness, in humility, and with my sorrow over Samuel.

After crying like that for a good 5-10 minutes, I opened the bathroom door still bawling, and Bryan woke up. He said, 'Oh, Babe. I'm so sorry.' He, of course, assumed I'd learned I wasn't pregnant. I started to crawl into bed and sputtered out, 'I'm pregnant!' He sat straight up and said, 'You are?!? Really?!?' And then he held me while I cried and cried. He's excited though cautious, like me. He's already calling me 'Bella Preggo' like with all my other pregnancies. We laid in bed for a long time, and once I stopped sobbing, I prayed for us, for this growing baby, and for God to do what He wants to do.

There is a lot to fear, but predominantly I feel truly joyful and peaceful. I know we'll survive whatever is ahead. A miscarriage would not be the end of the world, and how I'd love this pregnancy to result in a huge tummy with lots of kicks and squirms and a baby to hold and love in the end! Oh, Jesus, may it be so!!! I am so, so grateful to the Lord for allowing me this pregnancy -- even if it's for a short time. I am thankful for the picture of hope, love, and kindness of God it gives me. Thank you, Lord, for this pregnancy -- no matter what! Please keep my heart in perfect peace and my thoughts fixed on You in the time ahead. And THANK YOU!!!"

I rejoice in our Anna Patricia Apinis, our gift from God. She is such a part of our lives now, that I can't believe we've only known about her for a little over a year. How richly the Lord has blessed us by giving her to us. She is my treasure, my joy, my littlest love, and the delight of my heart.

I remember so clearly how hard it was to surrender my dream of more biological children. I struggled and struggled with it -- in some ways it took more faith from me than Samuel's death did. I saw God's hand so clearly in Samuel's life and death, but our struggle to conceive again just felt laborious and frustrating and empty and endless. The month we got pregnant with Anna was the first month I felt I had truly laid down my wishes and accepted God's. I'm sure it was no coincidence that that's when He granted us our desire -- when His desire was more important to me than my own.

And now look what we have! Our perfect Beauty. Our little Anna Pea.