Friday, April 2, 2010

From My Journal a Year Ago Today

On April 2, 2009, I wrote the following in my journal:

"Today we found out we're having another boy!  3 boys...WOW.  And we found out he has a heart defect -- it's called Transposition of the Great Vessels.  And he may have VSD (a hole in his heart) as well.  This morning when I woke up, I was so anxious about this ultrasound.  I felt so uneasy and unsettled.  I got there before Bryan and went back to the ultrasound room before he arrived.  The sonographer looked at baby very briefly and then left to see if Bryan was here yet.  At that point I felt quite uneasy, but I prayed, and my heart quieted.  I spent the drive praying too.  After we saw lots of things and found out it was a boy, the sonographer told us she saw some things she wanted to talk to Dr. Lambert about and to sit tight.  Though I knew that wasn't good news, I felt total peace.  I wished Dr. Siegel was there, but other than that I felt calm and unruffled.  Dr. Siegel came in to my surprise and told us he'd meet us in a room.  Normally, he's in surgery on Thursday, but he happened to be in the hall and overheard the news.  B and I waited a bit longer, and Dr. S came in and told us the news.  He walked us through it, drew diagrams, and was very kind.  Basically our son will need heart surgery sometime in the first few months after he's born.  This is not something I ever thought I could endure.  I've often thought the one area I didn't think I could be tested in and truly rest in God and be okay is the health and life of my children.  I already know I was wrong, for I have felt total confidence in His goodness NO MATTER the outcome of this trial.  Our stories (B and me) have not been easy thus far, and I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for God's story in my life -- for how He's molded and shaped me through the hardships and heartbreaks, and I look forward to who He will make me to be on the other side of whatever is ahead.  I know it will be a refining road.  I know it will hurt and require great faith on my part, but I know my God is worthy of all my faith and praise.  I rest in Him.

"As I opened my Bible for some time with Him (I am in Psalm 108), the opening verses were these:

              'My heart is confident in You, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises.'

"So perfect for today.  My HEART is confident in Him, and I can, in all honesty, sing His praises.  And my HEART knows He made my son's HEART.  He is a God of no mistakes.

"Thank you, Lord, that I can trust You, that this boy is in Your hands.  Thank you that You are God of all of this, of all that is ahead.  I TRUST YOU.  Amen."

A year later, and on the other side of "NO MATTER the outcome of this trial," I say with full confidence that God is indeed good.   My heart is still confident in Him, and I sing His praises with more conviction than ever.  I am thankful for this unfiltered outpouring of my thoughts and feelings from that day, for a documented glimpse of how God started to carry us from the moment we knew something was wrong.  He has faithfully carried us every day of the last year, and I can look ahead and say that NO MATTER what is next, He will continue to carry me, and His faithfulness will endure.  How grateful I am for a God who sent His son to die for me.  I can, in fact, rest in Him.

2 comments:

  1. kathryn, we had lunch with bryan this day a year ago...shortly after this appt...shortly after your exciting news that Samuel was indeed a boy & the news that your little baby would face some health issues. i don't know if a day has gone by since THAT day that i have not prayed for you guys. i remember feeling so much for you my entire pregnancy...wondering how you were feeling & knowing what i was feeling. i still wonder those things. almost daily. i read your blog & weep. my heart STILL breaks for all of you. & i am grateful to know that i serve the SAME good God that you do - even if i don't see that as clearly as you, even if i don't always believe as BIG as you. wishing you peace & rest this Easter w/e. praying that you, Bryan & the boys will be reminded of how deeply you are loved b/c of Him & the hope of His Son. we love you guys!

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