Saturday, October 31, 2009

Marking Time

Today marks 2 months since Samuel died.  Tomorrow marks 3 months since he was born.  Tomorrow also marks Joel's half birthday and my birthday.  I don't want it to be my birthday; I don't feel like celebrating anything, and I don't want to move on without Samuel.  There is something cruel about time marching on when it feels for me like time has stopped, and I'm frozen in this place of grief and heartbreak.  I know the passage of time will ultimately lessen the pain I feel, but as we move farther and farther from the month we had with Samuel, it hurts my heart to see those days grow more distant -- to see the time when I was holding his hand, singing to him, stroking his head, or whispering my love into his ear move farther into the past.  These marker days seem particularly trying for me.

Today has been a heavy hearted one for me.  I have followed the life of another baby boy who struggled with a heart defect and something called CDH -- congenital diaphragmatic hernia.  He was born on Oct. 1, and he passed away yesterday afternoon.  I have never met his parents, but I am continually thinking of them and their new, fresh pain.  I woke up thinking about what this day is for them -- their first without Andrew.  It breaks my heart afresh to know others are experiencing this horrible grief of losing a newborn son.

In the dark days, when I find mysef crying into the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I'm making, it's hard to believe I had some good days.  I know I did, and I know I will again, but they feel like faint memories, and I feel like I'm back where I was 6 weeks ago.  It's another reminder that this grief will be a long road, and I need the courage to walk it well, to trust in my God, and to face the ache in my soul.  Lord, grant me all that I need to honor You in this journey.  And hold and heal my broken heart. Amen.


  1. How true it is about time marching on during grief. Part of me will always live in 2007 (when we lost our baby) and I relive those moments daily, both happy and sad. I think I always will. In my head I think of every event in reference to our loss many months before or after my heart was broken.

    I'm not going to wish you a happy birthday...I know just how you feel. It's ok to skip it this year...who's counting anyway?

    I pray for continued healing and peace for you, and for me, daily.

  2. While I can sympathize with how heavy your heart must be to realize how much time has passed since you held your sweet Samuel, I celebrate tomorrow as the day of YOUR birth. Without you, there would be no Caleb, no Joel, no Samuel and who knows who Bryan would have ended up with??
    It was a pleasure to speak with you last night in person. Though I'm sure you feel so far away from this, you are a shining example of the beauty that is our God. He is so proud of you and we are so glad you were born.
    May you feel particularly "carried" by our God tomorrow.

  3. I know your heart is not in a celebrating mood at this time, but I trust you will have a day filled with JOY - the deep-down kind that comes from knowing you are loved very much by your family and friends, held close by your gracious heavenly Father, and are a beautiful work being completed by your Creator. Have a very blessed birthday with your sweet family.
    Love, Aunt Coleen

  4. kathryn, this morning i felt so compelled to spend some time praying for you, bryan & the boys...for your healing & for comfort. so i thought i'd check the blog b/c i hadn't in a few days. & after reading your last 2 entries, my heart once again breaks for the 4 of you...for the pain that must seem so heavy & endless. but i pray that today - your birth day! - that you will feel loved, celebrated & encouraged by all who care for you. that our Heavenly Father will provide you with an miraculous gift - whatever that might be - to remind you of His love & grace.