When we sat down to tell the boys, we said we had some exciting news and asked them to guess. Joel immediately said, "Mommy's pregnant!" but then after Caleb guessed we were getting a basketball hoop, Joel aligned with his big brother. When we said, "You're right" they both replied with, "We're getting a basketball hoop?!" Neither of them could wrap their minds around another baby -- although they've both always said they wanted more little brothers and sisters. Joel must have asked 4 or 5 times, "Are you serious? For real?" It was pretty cute.
Though being pregnant comes with no guarantees and slews of questions, I have been remarkably peaceful. I don't spend time worrying about what might be. I have felt calm from the very beginning -- and not in a "I just know nothing will go wrong" kind of way but once again in the peace that God is enough and whatever He has for us, He will kindly grant us the grace to face. It's the true peace He taught me in my grief over Samuel. And it's a peace I can rest in.
Last week as I was lacing up my tennis shoes and talking to Anna while she played with Bryan's old cell phone on the floor in front of me, I was struck with how peaceful I am about Samuel's story. How I don't spend time wishing God had written it differently. My heart is quiet that Samuel is not alive and running through our house and creating three year old chaos. Though I wouldn't have chosen it if He asked me, I love the way God has written our story. I see the beauty in it, the healing, the redemption, the growth that comes from sorrow and pain and surrender. I see how Bryan and I are more us -- more the people God made us to be -- as a result of loving and losing Samuel. And since I know Samuel has gained everything good in going to Heaven, I can't possibly wish more or better for him. This story, the one God is writing, is a beautiful story. And I love it. I am at peace with it. And I am at peace -- as much as I can be in the before -- with what lies ahead. Because no matter what, my God is still good and faithful and worthy of my trust and praise.
There is something so.... refreshing about looking ahead and having pervading peace in my soul. In resting in the God who is good, not the God who does what I want. And this new life growing in me, I pray he or she (we all think it's a boy) will know the Lord intimately and deeply and peacefully, as the rest of us strive to do.
