Dear Samuel,
Happy Birthday, my precious son. Today would be your 15th birthday, and that is pretty hard to believe. Fifteen years ago you changed our world forever, and I'm so glad you did. I see the ways you grew us—our faith, our grit, our hearts, our hope, our endurance, and our strength. We are so much better because of you. Thank you for all the ways you've shaped us as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. We are richer, our well is deeper, and our hearts are fuller because of you.
This week your cousin June was in town, and it was so sweet to see her on your shared birthday week. We celebrated her 15th birthday with Atlanta family, and I loved having a glimpse of what 15 looks like. Grown up and yet still not a grown up, confident and yet still figuring out your place, hungry for belonging and creating a space for others to belong, silly and mature all stirred up together. It was a beautiful picture. I bet you two would be thick as thieves.
June came with me to North Point's high school ministry where I lead a "small" group of senior girls, and I loved sharing with them how June has always been a picture of God's grace for me. They've heard me talk about you countless times and are familiar with your story, but it was something different to have June in the room and be able to tell her what a blessing she has been to me through the years—how she provides a picture of where you might be in life and how she has soothed my soul on more than one occasion, but especially that first Christmas when I held her all through Christmas Eve service and imagined you celebrating Jesus's birth in his very presence. It was a treasured moment for me to talk about God's faithfulness to us through the heartbreak of handing you back to him and to share how June has been part of our healing.
This summer your dad and I led 23 high schoolers on a mission trip to Mexico. Joel came with us, along with seven girls from my small group and my co-leader Marissa who was one of the very few people who ever met you in the hospital. I realized part way through the week that if you were alive, you'd have been there with us too. We had a handful of rising sophomores on the trip, and I imagined you mixed in among them. The trip was the highlight of the summer for both me and your dad. Doing ministry together and leading such an extraordinary group of students, alongside some fabulous fellow leaders, was so powerful. It's hard to put into words how encouraging the week was. The physical work we did there was incredibly hard, and the scorching heat was ridiculous, yet not one student complained. Thinking of you being part of that equation fills my heart. Maybe you'd have been the one student who whined, but I bet you would have admired the seniors (your brother chief among them) who set the tone of willingness and positivity, and you would have given all you had to give like the rest of the team did. I would have loved to share the experience with you.
Today was the first day of school for three of your siblings. Caleb goes back to Wheaton in a few weeks, but our county schools started today. As I'm sure you know by now, I hate the start of school, and layering it on top of your birthday is really not my favorite. Joel is a senior (not sure how that happened. No, I am not ready), Anna is in 8th grade and seeming more and more grown up, and Eliza started middle school today. Our days of elementary school are behind us after 14 consecutive years of elementary-aged kids. So today has a lot of hits. I was really blue yesterday, but today I am more peaceful. I cried when I dropped off the girls, of course, but I've been pretty steady since then. I've worked on your birthday cake (ice cream cake this year) and have made some cookie dough for our annual trip to Egleston on Saturday. This will be our last ever year to go to Egleston as the CICU moves into a brand new hospital building in September. So our 15 year tradition is coming to an end. I don't know how I feel about that.
This year has been a growing up year for all of us, I think. Sending Caleb to college far away and letting him figure out life without us right there, learning to give Joel more room to make his own choices and hardly seeing him because of how full his social life is, Anna becoming a teenager, and Eliza graduating from 5th grade—it's been a lot of letting go and then allowing your siblings to own their choices and the resulting consequences. Dad and I are learning to step back, but it's not natural. There is a lot of joy in bearing witness when your brothers or sisters choose wisely, love big, seek guidance, step out in bravery, and express heartfelt gratitude. Like our hearts could burst. But there is fear and the temptation to step in when things don't go smoothly or when someone doesn't heed wisdom. Of course we have to parent each child uniquely and respond differently depending on age and the specifics, but in general we're working to let your beloved siblings be their own selves. (It's pretty hard, but we're learning.) Letting our cherished children grow up is both beautiful and heartbreaking. Dad and I are so very proud of who Caleb, Joel, Anna, and Eliza are and are becoming. And I have no doubt we'd be so very proud of you too if you were here with us.
Maybe you're enjoying pickle ball, Joel's latest obsession, up in heaven, or maybe you're stretched out in some meadow of tall grass and wildflowers where I'd expect to find Anna reading a book. Maybe you're playing with baby animals like Eliza would love or pulling a Caleb and staying up super late talking to someone interesting you encountered in the course of your day. (I bet there are endless interesting people to talk to up there!) Whatever it is you're doing, however it is you might be celebrating your birthday, I know it's just right because you are where everything is just right. And that is wonderful.
Samuel, I am so thankful to be your mom. It is a privilege I treasure more deeply than I can say. You are forever in my heart, and my heart is bigger because you're there. I am more fully me because of you. Thank you for indelibly marking my life and shaping who I am in elemental ways. I look forward to one day throwing my arms around you and catching up on all the things, to learning what makes you light up and seeing all that brings you wonder. I can so easily picture putting my hand in yours and letting you lead me through heaven, pointing out all that inspires you and laughing as we journey along together. I can't wait to get to know that laugh. I love you, Samuel. Forever and always. Happy Birthday, my boy.
Love, Mom XOXOXOXOXOXOXO through eternity
